Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I'm not a comedy writer, I'm a comedian, so I only write stuff that I would want to say.
Marriage is when two people are joined together to become one desperately boring person.
I like to think of myself as focused in work, but it probably comes across as obsessive.
My earliest memory is feeling soil between my fingers when I was around three years old.
You can't compete with Walmart. But you can have smaller businesses that are successful.
The journey of life is both too short and too precious to be sidetracked by guilt trips.
Stress is an indicator of our belief in the value and validity of our worries and fears.
Isn't that weird, we've made nature against the law. That's how un-natural we've become.
More astronauts have been to the moon than farmers who paid the inheritance tax in 2013.
Life is about making tough choices. Sometimes you have to go where your career is going.
In ancient times they sacrificed the virgins. Men were not about to sacrifice the sluts!
I'm just honest. They [asians] don't want to see black people generally in their movies.
Quotes are for dumb people who can't think of something intelligent to say on their own.
Maybe life on earth could be heaven, doesn't just the thought of it make it worth a try?
I actually wrestled in high school. I was only in one match, and I lost... my virginity.
The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.
Wine, women and song have been replaced by prune juice, a heating pad and the Gong Show.
All British castles and old country homes are supposed to be haunted. It's in the lease.
You look up at drama, down at comedy. A singer, looking up is okay. A comic, it's death.
I can't remember if I had any stage fright at the first Bowl. But I did the second time.
Advertising degrades the people it appeals to; it deprives them of their will to choose.
It's weird, I never wish anything bad upon anybody, except two or three old girlfriends.
The only thing worse than dating a single mom is dating a single mom that won't put out.
I think they should make Twilight closets and all the cast members can walk out of them.
You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.
I think I need to be taken away, dropped in some territory with just a lot of loud guys.
I honestly think hipsters eat with their assholes because they consume everything wrong.
The key to staying together is making sure you guys like each other and need each other.
If you see a black woman with an overweight white man, you know she got effed up credit!
Jesus is a powerful guy in Hollywood. Not quite as powerful as Vin Diesel, but powerful.
How do we help the church get their respect back? I have a plan: pedophile crucifixions.
They had a big court battle over who got to keep me. Mom won; she made me live with Dad.
I believe that if a man dies with a single penny still sitting in the bank, he's a fool.
I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.
Do you know what Irish Alzheimer's is? It's when you forget everything but your grudges.
Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?
In school I was pretty quiet. Kinda shy until my junior year. But at home I was a freak.
God does not hate gay people. He's just mad because they found a loophole in His system.
You never see anyone wearing a black turtleneck and leather jacket doing something nice.
Us Asians look like we're twenty until we're fifty. Once we're fifty, we look like Yoda.
It's a constant battle between what your heart tells you, and what your brain tells you.
So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.
Sometimes it's hard to tell if a joke is working or not for the first couple of minutes.
After a while, a joke, if you say it too much, just becomes contrived, or fake-sounding.
I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.
The only person on the planet saying derogatory things about his woman is the black man.
My belief is, you know, certain things have to be explained that's never been explained.
The thing I love about Vegas is that it's a melting pot. It's like working Ellis Island.
I've been hot, I've been lukewarm, I've been freezing, but I've always been a headliner.
LL Cool J should be the spokesman for a line of pajamas called Ladies Love Cool Jammies.