Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will.
The truth doesn't hurt. Whatever it is, it doesn't hurt. It's better to know the truth.
My parents always told me I could do anything, but never told me how long it would take
I'm a very simple person. I'm very shallow. Shallow, simple, easily pleased: that's me.
You can talk about anything if you go about it the right way, which is never malicious.
Kids today know way more than you think they do, with the Internet and 500 TV channels.
Better to keep quiet and let people think you're an idiot than speak up and confirm it.
My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.
I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.
My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.
I just want to say something. 655,000 Iraqi civilians are dead. Who are the terrorists?
Well, you know, they use those words so that they can scare people "terror" and "cell."
The best thing you can do is fall in love. My life has been changed by falling in love.
Turns out it was mostly a lie. But, at least for a short while, it was a beautiful one.
I think for comedians, acting is their natural progression. It's all about progression.
The good news is hopeful doesn't mean dumb. The bad news is cynical doesn't mean smart.
I don't like people whose job it isn't to be funny, to tell me what is and isn't funny.
You have to be able to laugh at yourself. That's what I tell Asian people all the time.
You know, I think whatever a comic talks about onstage is all they talk about offstage.
My stand-up shows don't really have a theme but do have an interactive element to them.
I don't worry about losing my looks. It's finding them on someone else that worries me.
I wear glasses myself. As an affectation, as a badge of high intellect and to see with.
Apologies are great, but they don't really change anything. You know what does? Action.
I don't believe there is a God. If I were to believe in a god, l would believe in gods.
Nudity is a deep worry if you have a body like a bin bag full of yoghurt, which I have.
Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
When I was 18, I went to the East Coast of America, got mugged, and came straight home.
I'm actually more of a cat guy than a dog person because I travel so much. I love cats.
Red meat is not really bad for a person. Now, blue-green meat - that's damaging of you!
Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.
I didn't say the meat was tough. I said I didn't see the horse that is usually outside.
Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.
It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.
Men are dogs. Men are dogs. We got to stop it. Men are not dogs. Uh-uh. Dogs are loyal.
The indie movie world is like a bad Tinder date, and there are always strings attached.
We're socially constructed to hide our flaws, and that breeds pain for a lot of people.
The most dangerous place I've ever performed standup is in my home state of California.
Everybody laughs the same in every language because laughter is a universal connection.
On stage, we just want to generate hysteria. We don't care about looking cool or posing.
I don't think people were that interested in what I was doing for the most of the 1990s.
I have fantasies of burning down an insurance company just so THEY have to make a claim.
Every day theres something new. Something's going to destroy us all. Then it disappears.
It's pretty hard to offend me. I actually think people are a little too easily offended.
I wanted to like 'Up in the Air' - I like Jason Reitman - but Vera Farmiga left me cold.
I've sold a lot of different product. Very briefly, I sold Time Life Books on the phone.
I don't have a type, really. But I've always been more attracted to girls who yell fire.
I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can't stand how good I look.
My dad was amazing. He raised five boys. All by himself. Without the rest of us knowing.