Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
You might be a redneck if you own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.
You might be a redneck if a full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat.
Why can't a heterosexual guy tell a heterosexual guy / That he thinks his booty is fly?
People think anything done from a woman's perspective is only going to appeal to women.
If I write a joke, sometimes people will call it a 'lie,' and I'm fascinated with that.
A wonderful thing happens over time. You fall in love with the sound of your own voice.
Pay attention; don't let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box.
No encounter, mouth open up ... that is how the drug businesses see the general public.
Pay attention, don't let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box.
You have to totally change the way that society's structured in order to being to heal.
I think generational trauma also plays a big part in the reactions to Israeli politics.
People who don't have experience setting healthy boundaries, they have secrets instead.
I do want everyone to feel comfortable. That's why I'd like to talk to you about Jesus.
I realize I look very hip hop but I'm really more emo with a definite Brazilian flavor.
Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my scotch, I say, I'm thirsty, not dirty.
The #MeToo movement is insanely serious, and there's no comedy to be mined out of that.
I care about facts the way I care about oxygen and imbibing enough water a day to live.
The problem with the economy isn't that people aren't paying their fair share of taxes.
Having an awful landlord can be a good thing, it can bring you together as a household.
Those flowers were picked by illegal immigrants. And they're not voting for you, b*tch.
I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months-I don't like to interrupt her.
Men's legs have a terribly lonely life - standing in the dark in your trousers all day.
If God made the body, and the body is dirty, then the fault lies with the manufacturer.
Last year my wife ran off with the fellow next door and I must admit, I still miss him.
My mother-in-law has so many wrinkles, when she smiles she looks like a Venetian blind.
I've perfected the art of busting on people. That's how comedians show each other love.
It just seems OK these days to throw women under the bus. Like we're a bargaining chip.
Left wing, right wing, I am wingless and tired of trying to fly. Here comes the ground.
I'm lucky that I have good genetics. Like you said, it just gets better as I get older.
Comedy is a noble art. And every comedian who does anything is serving a noble purpose.
Maybe in 10 years,I'll only be doing "classical" comedy. Or crashing my car into trees.
I find my fans are really funny people. Most comedians can't say that about their fans.
I love 'Bullets Over Broadway,' but I'm pretty sure Woody Allen hasn't killed somebody.
It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.
For every studen with a spark of brilliance, there are about ten with ignition trouble.
I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods!
A fly was very close to being called a land, because that's what it does half the time.
I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it's more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.
I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big.
I don't believe in good people and bad people. I believe in the better parts of people.
Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. If he ran unopposed he would have lost.
I'm not going to say the market is flooded, but there are a lot of people doing comedy.
There's actually a thing called Wikifeet that's the Wikipedia of celebrity girls' feet.
I'm constantly having to be vigilant with a depressive tendency, an addictive tendency.
The first time I did Cake Boss or Ice-T or Andrew Lloyd Webber was on 'Best Week Ever.'
Well, there's nothing strange about Americans as a whole. But, Angelinos are different!
In life, comedy occurs naturally, as it should, in the most appalling of circumstances.
Saint Christopher, who said, Where can I get a Frank Sinatra medal? Never got a dinner!
A spa hotel? It's like a normal hotel, only in reception there's a picture of a pebble.
Why have a pet hate? Why should it be confined? My hate is both wide ranging and total.