Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.
When I do something good, the audience lets me know immediately. They laugh. That's it.
My dad's full of encouragement and support. It just feels like abandonment and neglect.
I'm the sort of loser who succeeds really well and then drops a turd in the punch bowl.
I shoot an arrow into the air, where it lands I do not care: I get my arrows wholesale!
I grew up on the edge of a national park in Canada - timberwolves, creeks, snow drifts.
Hollywood is in love with any kind of nostalgia that can prove itself to be commercial.
I grew up in the '80s. I was a kid, but all my favorite movies came out of that period.
If you want to see what I'll look like as an old guy, check out any recent photo of me.
There's nothing like a clown with a boner to remind you that you're having a nightmare.
Dogs: the best friend you will ever have that pees on your couch and stays your friend.
When you swear to God, its true ... right now God is watching and saying, this is true.
It's not that hard to climb a pole. All you need are powerful thighs and an empty soul.
Sometimes the little opportunities that fly at us each day can have the biggest impact.
A celebrity, whatever I am, you get cut off sometimes from people just by circumstance.
You never forget your first kiss. And that's what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle.
A Rubik's cube is equal to a drag queen. It's really colorful, but I don't wanna do it.
Cotton candy is the perfect snack for when I'm in the mood to eat dry, scratchy fabric.
The difference between a child's toy and an adult toy is: location, location, location.
Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.
You can make a very heavy and kind of dangerous 3-way shot glass out of a bowling ball.
The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board.
I just believe in the goodwill of people, the power of people to do something positive.
People love gossip. It's the biggest thing that keeps the entertainment industry going.
Supporting Rangers, being in an Orange Lodge, that whole life - that's a valid culture.
When Jack Benny plays the violin, it sounds as though the strings are still in the cat.
All patriarchal societies are either preparing for war, at war, or recovering from war.
Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky.
How can it be a spy satellite if they announce on television that it's a spy satellite?
Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.
To me the cynics are the ones in the boardrooms with the reports from the focus groups.
Results like these [state of the earth] do not belong on the resumé of a supreme being.
Sarah Palin is Latina. Pay-leen. She has an infant and a grandkid the same age. Latina!
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn't sell much - just an occasional sun visor.
I'm gonna put extra blankets, free, in all your rooms, and there'll be no cover charge.
The foods that are recommended today are as palatable as a steady diet of wet blotters.
I like burritos more than Jesus because steak burritos are delicious. And they're real.
When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.
The only reason people work for airlines is because the Nazi party is no longer hiring.
I idolized my mother. I didn't realize she was a lousy cook until I went into the army.
Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.
I guess when your heart gets broken, you sort of start to see the cracks in everything.
Statistics show 50% of the people use the internet. The rest have sex with real people.
The good news is, the stock market is closed and it can't hurt us again until tomorrow.
Senator Chris Dodd unveiled his plan to reduce corruption in the Senate. He's retiring.
Do you know what White House correspondents call actors who pose as reporters? Anchors.
You might be a redneck if you look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet 'Ms. Right
You just may be a redneck if your lawn furniture used to be your living room furniture.
You might be a redneck if the best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.