Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I think it's because my comedy is in your face, and it comes from a place that's real.
I don't look like Halle Berry. But chances are, she's going to end up looking like me.
In America, your job determines your marks. In Soviet Russia, Marx determine your job!
It's one thing to make people laugh, but after a certain point, comedy is almost cheap.
Comics are regularly asked to perform for impossible rooms. They're called 'hell gigs.'
A foolproof plan for not getting a job - show up for your interview wearing flip flops.
There was an old lady who lived in a shoe. She had so many kids... her uterus fell out!
I do have insecurities. I don't know if you can tell. I'm not brimming with confidence.
I don't hate Dane Cook, but I am trying to go after people I think are capable of more.
I could see myself adopting a kid someday. But, obviously, I'd prefer it to be aborted.
I would love to DJ the royal wedding. Just so I could play Candle in the Wind non-stop.
I say things other people wish they could say. I don't pick on people - I empower them.
Great music and great artists create their own music and look and are not manufactured.
Look how long it took to build the Freedom Tower, and we wanted that. It took 15 years.
Beware of people who fall at your feet. They may be reaching for the corner of the rug.
Now people live into their 90s and beyond. As long as I have quality of life, I'm good.
Nonsmokers--this is for you and you only. Ready? Nonsmokers die every day. Sleep tight.
Mushrooms grow on cow turds. I love that. I think that's why you giggle the first hour.
I have a problem with people who take the Constitution loosely and the Bible literally.
Faith means the purposeful suspension of critical thinking. It’s nothing to be admired.
You want to spend your millions on a worthless cause? Try donating it to the Democrats.
You would think there is a higher bar than having a Facebook page to run for president.
The Republicans proved they are not the party of 'no.' They're the party of 'f**k, no!'
I believe in God, I just give him more credit than being a single parent and an author.
Every time somebody says 'Islamophobia' it gives the people who are intimidating cover.
Entertainment, Hollywood, award shows - these are the things that really captivated me.
I like good movies, and I love theater, and things that I grew up loving, I still love.
I like to joke about being gay because it's something teenagers would never joke about.
If you haven't got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.
No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that's why we have two parties
With today's movies, if we took out all the bad language, we'd go back to silent films.
Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens.
It's a wonderful world. It may destroy itself but you'll be able to watch it all on TV.
The audience was swell. They were so polite they covered their mouths when they yawned.
I'm psyched about what I can contribute that can be meaningful to myself and to others.
There's no such thing as a feminist - just women who pay for their own breast implants.
Comedians are really writers who don't have pens and pencils about them, but they riff.
In this pessimistic world, especially in America, a positive outlook is very necessary.
As a writer, the worst thing you can do is work in an environment of fear of rejection.
Just be your authentic self because there's nothing sexier or more beautiful than that.
People always want to put a label on you; they always want to compare you to something.
Carrot Top is a nickname that people call me and I thought that it was more marketable.
I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.
I'm always happy to pitch in and do something. Everybody needs to be laughing a little.
Be Funny. Be naturally funny. If you're not, get out of the business. Be compassionate.
Damn, I had some great moves. I still have them; I'm just not using them at home a lot.
Whitney Cummings is one of the hardest working people I know, and she's very motivated.
The 'Hipster Nerds' like stuff because they hate it. It's like they ironically like it.
No matter what happens or how difficult things become, you will eventually feel better.
Stand-up comedy is like the lowest medium in all of show business in levels of respect.