Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.
I want to be a rebellious McDonald's owner. Cheeseburgers... NOPE... we got spaghetti!
We all know that America is the worst country in the world, except for all the others.
I would like to think that television would be representative of the world we live in.
My mum and dad are quite hippyish, so I'm pretty naive. I take everyone at face value.
You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.
When people told the audience that [Sam Kinison] was good, he was accepted after that.
We would seldom be deceived by flattery, did our own conceit not promote the delusion.
It seems the more shallow and mean the candidates are the more they rise in the polls.
The Comedy Store attracts all types of people, growing up I was able to meet them all.
The most painful household accident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
Henry Ford, who despite his immense wealth never owned a Cadillac. Never got a dinner!
I know that if I wasn't scared, something's wrong, because the thrill is what's scary.
My philosophy? Have a laugh for as long as you can and don't get run over. Or stabbed.
She said, 'I'm your biggest fan,' and I said, 'Who are you?' She said, 'Paris Hilton.'
Wives are people who think it's against the law not to answer the phone when it rings.
Because when you’re laughing, there is no other emotion in that moment except for joy.
My life is constant revision but it's not revision, a lot of it is for the first time.
I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.
When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.
In high school, when I played football I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop.
I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.
You should be able to tell your child, "This is an actor. And she's older than Mommy!"
Consciousness exists beyond your head, between our heads, and it can manifest harmony.
It's highly psychological, and very beautiful, and overwhelming, and real, and trippy!
Life’s never a postcard of life, is it? It never feels like how you’d want it to look.
Murderers! Stop murdering. Everyone will die eventually. Just sit down and be patient.
The last time I saw African kids this excited, Madonna was at their school with a net.
From the makers of Alien vs. Predator: Alien vs. Pingu. K9 - stop humping the toaster!
I will never stop doing stand-up; that's my career, but I will do movies in Hollywood.
If I get married again, I want a guy there with a drum to do rimshots during the vows.
Real comedy doesn't just make people laugh and think, but makes them laugh and change.
I'm very much a humanist. I'm very much pro-choice. I'm very much politically correct.
That still feels like the most accurate description - I felt homesick, but I was home.
I have worked out that I am virtually Chinese, because everything I own is from China.
Enthusiats are used to being mocked, maligned and misunderstood. We don't really mind.
Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh.
To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It's commenting or observing or twisting life.
It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
You can say a lot of things about me, but I own my own opinions. They're not for sale.
The thing is about Cheech & Chong, we've brought more families together than Dr. Phil.
Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.
I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
I bought some pork chops and told the butcher to make them lean. He said, 'Which way?'
When you don't know what you're talking about, it's hard to know when you're finished.
I sometimes think that being widowed is God's way of telling you to come off the Pill.
Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot.