Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
This sausage roll only contains 2% of your daily intake of calories... if you lick it.
If I could look like anyone, it would be Jamie Redknapp - even up close, he's amazing.
It's not a query of staying wholesome. It's a query of discovering a illness you want.
Evil is in the face of every frat guy that ever raised a beer cup and went "whoooooo!"
You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.
I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said compared to who?
You might be a redneck if taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
You might be a redneck if your anniversary present was getting the septic tank pumped.
You might be a redneck if you give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.
You might be a redneck if somebody hollers ho-down and your girlfriend hits the floor.
You might be a redneck if you can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
[Congress] can just make [Mitt] Romney president. And we'd be like, "All right, fine."
I think ageing suits me because I was born old, like Spencer Tracy or Dolly the Sheep.
You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive.
Ever noticed that no matter what happens in one day, it exactly fits in the newspaper?
What's the point of dating without games? How do you know if you're winning or losing?
I have a nice bookshelf in my office, but not my house. I'm crass, but not that crass.
When someone does a small task beautifully, their whole environment is affected by it.
I love a kind of shambling outsider protagonist who always feels like they're 'other.'
Raising kids may be a thankless job with ridiculous hours, but at least the pay sucks.
I like that in my audiences, there's a lesbian couple sitting next to a Mormon family.
Some people have their own bowling ball and their own bowling shoes... and no friends.
I was still rooting for Notre Dame.It's like there's the cultural Catholic experience.
Everyone has a reason why their particular sacred cow is the sacred cow to be honored.
I'd like to get my own TV show on, whether it's a talk show or a comedy, that I write.
I don't drink any more than the man next to me, and the man next to me is Dean Martin.
Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my Scotch, I say I'm thirsty, not dirty.
I give so much pleasure to so many people. Why can I not get some pleasure for myself?
It's fun to do something funny and have the director laughing. It makes you feel good.
Pointless' - I think it's probably the greatest daytime TV show that has ever existed.
I think it’s interesting to me to talk to people who don’t agree with me all the time.
I think it's interesting to me to talk to people who don't agree with me all the time.
Moms Mabley said you have to say good things about the dead. I say, 'He's dead. Good.'
We signed up for Showtime, which I think put us on a Homeland Security list somewhere.
I am somehow allowed by the universe to do exactly what I want to do to make a living.
Your voice determines people's perception probably more than your style or your jokes.
Some people have religion as a means of solace. But, I had a dreidel, so that was out.
The problem is, the more famous you get, the more people see you who didn't choose to.
Dogs are too much to handle. I don't need anything in my house that's needier than me.
Just because you are blind and unable to see my beauty doesn't mean it does not exist.
It’s like your batteries get low, and you need to charge them on someone else’s story.
I’m not going to die because I failed as someone else. I’m going to succeed as myself.
I would've been able to write anything about mental-health crises had I not felt good.
I mean comedy is something that's very personal and people have strong opinions about.
I am not a music snob. If anything, my musical taste is bad by any critical standards.
Please don't ask which I enjoy more - acting or hosting - because I love them equally.
When I was growing up, I didn't know who Jewish people were, what it was to be Jewish.
I really doubt whether evolution ever works, how then come Mothers have only two hands
If they make it illegal to wear the veil at work, bee keepers are going to be furious.