Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
People ask me where I get my vitality, and to tell you the truth, I don't have a clue.
When I'm performing for 4,000, 5,000 people, it's a show. It's a rock n' roll concert.
I wouldn't want them [kids] to raid my liquor cabinet and glug down my bourbon either.
We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.
I'm actually pretty good at tennis. Well, if I'm in the Special Olympics or something.
Nobody prepares you for what happens when you get famous, and I didn't handle it well.
It wasn't as if I was simply some guy who had never seen the other side of the tracks.
Everyone is treating it like a Hollywood story. In Madison, it's a neighborhood story.
Like, Australians definitely don't walk around dressed up in blackface going, 'Ha-ha.'
Women need food, water, and compliments That's right. And an occasional pair of shoes.
It's hardware that makes a machine fast. It's software that makes a fast machine slow.
I've lived (in LA) for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't anymore.
I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I've discovered? I need a girlfriend.
I can't see why anyone would want to be in politics because you get so much criticism.
TV has lost a lot of its self-confidence as its power has been eroded by the internet.
When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding.
When I stub my toe it's like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know.
But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.
Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.
Love is very dangerous if you just have love and don't have the ability to be lovable.
Coconut milk is the only thing on this planet that comes identically to mother's milk.
Everything we do we should look at in terms of millions of people who can't afford it.
Riches do not delight us so much with their possession, as torment us with their loss.
I've got an accountant who's been with me forty years. If he makes a mistake, he dies.
Showing off seemed to me to be a highly valuable and necessary activity when I was 20.
If the studios paid the artists, how would they ever be able to afford the executives?
While everyone else was saying Trick or Treat my dad was telling us to say Triki Tras.
My dad was one of those dads that would make me stop crying by threatening to beat me.
Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.
Being a professional comedian is doing it right and good, when you don't feel like it.
Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great.
An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.
I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.
I'd rather be a flop at show business than to be a success at something I didn't like.
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
If you want to get rid of counterfeit money, put it in the collection plate at church.
When you visualize the recent past, do you see it as being somewhere over on the left?
Being a Dodgers fan led to my first Air Force court-martial, but that's another story.
I've never been one of those who wanted to fill my calendar up 90 percent of the time.
My first sketch-writing class was with Kevin Allison from 'The State.' It was so cool.
Don't be like me. Look at me: monogamous, in shape, no debt, sober... I'm dead inside.
If we don't have souls then who am I talking to when I keep telling myself to be good?
While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
She's so in love with me, she doesn't know anything. That's why she's in love with me.
Try to focus on the things that you do have instead of obsessing over things you don't
I am the most fortunate self-taught harpist and non-speaking actor who has ever lived.
If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.
A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!
During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland.