Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Education is the sum of what students teach each other between lectures and seminars.
My life, at least, is divided between writing and performing and mixtures of the two.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
Day 1 -- Still tired from the move. Day 2 -- Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot.
I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone.
I quit my job at the helium gas factory. I didn't like being spoken to in that voice.
Comedy clubs are arguably one of the last bastions of uncensored, public free speech.
Can we take a direct flight back to reality or do we have to change planes in Denver?
Some people are more expressive in worship. Some people more subtle and it's all good
The day they discover yoga mats are carcinogenic will be the happiest day of my life.
Okay, you can die for your country, but know what you're doing while you're doing it.
I'm a quarterback. I don't need to score the touchdown. I just need to spot the pass.
I watch Glenn Beck and he's taught me well. Progressive is the new word for Communist
Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.
Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.
I ad lib most of my dialogue. If I did remember my lines, it would be too bad for me.
If you don't believe in same-sex marriage, then don't marry somebody of the same sex.
I don't look like Halle Berry. But chances are she's going to end up looking like me.
I don't burn any calories trying to be masculine; I just happen to be from that world.
Screw guilt -- I could have sex with 10 men and it wouldn't bother me. I'm an atheist!
I don't claim to have all the answers; after all, I'm just a comedian who reads a lot.
I feel really ambiguous about the psychology of people trying to do good in the world.
I want to marry the kind of girl that walks out of an abortion clinic with a lollipop.
My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.
I feel like every first episode of a TV show is bad, you know, and it always improves.
Obviously I am not bothered about men's fashion - is anyone, apart from Jonathan Ross?
Prostate cancer has taken a lot from me. First it took my grandfather and then my dad.
I named all my children after flowers. There's Lillie and Rose and my son, Artificial.
I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.
There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God.
A child who is disciplined will be more obedient and also more organized as a student.
Most fathers and... Mothers. Only your grandmother and Ghengis Khan know how to do it.
People have the absolute right to be just as unhappy and miserable as they want to be.
If your mother still drives you to school, you are not a gangster, pull your pants up!
There's a reason God didn't give me this success in my 20s, because I'd have blown it.
No one knows what it's like ... to be a dustbin ... in Shaftesbury ... with hooligans.
If you want to get rich with a tax free enterprise that sells nothing, start a church.
I have always defined political correctness as an elevation of sensitivity over truth.
A lot of people say they are dyslexic; some have to realize that they are just stupid.
I'm not going to throw away the hand of friendship to suit 100 Trotskyites in Glasgow.
I've been a poser for f--ing years. I say, pose your arse off. You know, have a laugh.
If someone walks away from me, I just let them walk, and I move on to the next person.
The mainstream needs Ellen DeGeneres and Rosie O'Donnell. The mainstream needs RuPaul.
I do not like not having Wi-Fi in general, but certainly not on a plane. I fall apart.
Happy Thanksgiving! I broke into Best Buy and stole a copy of Pocahontas to celebrate.
I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom.
She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.
I think when you dissect a joke too much, you have ruined whatever there is in comedy.
Some people rely on rumors and gossip because they are devoid of any original thought.