Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I feel like we can prove in real time the old trope that comedy is tragedy plus time.
I've found, being in Los Angeles, it's like living in a live-action Planet Hollywood.
Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife.
My wife... its difficult to say what she does... she sells seashells on the seashore.
I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number. It started with 555.
If you're a fish and you want to be a fish-stick, you have to have very good posture.
It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?
Let's be healthy big people. Everybody can't be a size 0 or 45, but let's be healthy.
When Obama ran, he said, We can change the world! The world: can you change it back?!
People tell me there are a lot of guys like me, which doesn't explain why I'm lonely.
If I find something funny and make an older woman laugh, I love that for some reason.
You're not too good for the sleep mask-neck pillow combo! You're not too cool for it!
Temping is the worst. I would rather starve and be homeless than nanny or temp again.
Some college athletes don't want to turn pro, they don't want to take the cut in pay.
My only mission is to look for fun, the lighter side of life. I spell it fool-osophy.
They call me the confuser. Is he a man... is he a woman? Ooh, I'm not sure if I mind.
Violent people usually express their love of a thing by their hatred of its opposite.
I'm a YouTube star, let's put it that way!That sounds like a karaoke star with balls.
On the issue of inflation, I think I could solve it no matter how much money it took.
A gun is a necessity. Who knows if you're walking down a street and you spot a moose?
Every child has a right to go to high school and end up with a third grade education.
I loved the bike because it gave me some measure of independence that I did not have.
From a personal standpoint I really like that Bernie Sanders is making so much noise.
I got my sense of humor from my grandmother. You know, my grandmother was very funny.
Two or three times a week, I drive by the houses of numbers 78-100 just to rub it in.
In the history of life, no good news has followed that sentence ["We have to talk."].
Everybody really needs to laugh... If you don't laugh, you're not going to live long.
I get the first flight out from anywhere I am because I have to come home to my kids.
Being a dad is just brilliant and fantastic. You can't put into words what it's like.
Uncle Remus, who said to Uncle Ben, You're a credit to your rice. Never got a dinner!
Adam, who said to Eve, What do you mean you have nothing to wear? Never got a dinner!
Nostradamus, who predicted that Billy Bailey would not come home. Never got a dinner!
Lee Iacocca, who said to Dolly Parton, Why do you need an airbag? Never got a dinner!
Junk runs in the family. My granddad was a junk man in St. Louis and so was my uncle.
Why get killed when you can run ... your ego will heal much faster than a broken jaw.
I worry about Las Vegas schools. I hear in math, they only teach them to count to 21.
Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.
With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.
I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.
We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.
One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!
I'm not going to let my life revolve around losing weight. I have other things to do.
We will never bring peace at the hands of war. As a species we have to rise above it.
By the time dessert arrives I am usually so drunk, I can't remember what I'm serving.
The more people who have access to this vital information the better society will be.
I'll take on somebody if they're offending the entire culture, not just offending me.
I was sent to sleepover camp since I was 6, and you know, it's a recipe for disaster.
I knew I couldn't believe in God, because I was fundamentally Hellenic in my outlook.