Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I look at movies, unfortunately, and I still see a lot of movies [lacking diversity].
When life gives you lemons, you exchange them at the store for something more edible.
It is impossible to design anything that is foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
My brother thinks he's a chicken-We don't talk him out of it because we need the eggs
You call this a party? The beer is warm, the women cold and I'm hot under the collar.
Now that you're Secretary of War, what kind of an army do you think we ought to have?
Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put "Emily, I love you" on the back of the bill.
I like getting 'Times' articles online. But the actual paper just has too many words.
My advice if you insist on slimming: Eat as much as you like - just don't swallow it.
I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.
Some people play a horse to win, some to place. I should have bet this horse to live.
The world is a scary place. Even my mother has suggested I take a self defense class.
The only thing better than one of my songs is one of my songs with a glass of scotch.
People think that you are a nasty, selfish person if you don`t want to have children.
Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
Romney raised $10 million. That’s a dollar for every position he’s had on healthcare.
You might be a redneck if there are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
I've avoided doing network shows because I don't think they're true to real families.
I think that would be great, if I could be in a city and wasn't even allowed to work.
Use your passport for domestic trips, so that way you don't risk losing your license.
God hadn't made me handsome, but he'd given me something, I always felt: funny bones.
There's no way that moving in with your parents is a sign that your life is on track.
On the side of box of my superman costume it actually said - 'Do not attempt to fly!'
Most people, you do a TV series, it ends three, four, five years later; it's a relic.
Stand-up is hard. Or to keep it at a certain level is hard: I have no writers but me.
Some of you guys are going to boo, but I'm going to say it anyway. I don't like dogs.
We're a whole culture of people who have a really hard time seeing beyond themselves.
Playing frisbee with a five year old is amazingly similar to chasing after a frisbee.
I think that there's part of me that feels like maybe I should have been more social.
I always imagine that if I met Dr. Seuss, he would be very similar to Crispin Glover.
My faith is very personal. It's not something that I want to project on other people.
I'm not really great at writing things down unless for a roast or a particular event.
Economics is like the Dutch language - I'm told it makes sense, but I have my doubts.
If you vote for Democrats, you might as well give Al Quaeda a death ray and a manual.
I may not be playing with a full deck but I don't need a full deck. I have four aces.
I don't do anything the same every day. Discipline is tough for a guy who is a rebel.
What sitcom's brilliant at is identifying a social movement or type and skewering it.
I told the Inland Revenue I didn't owe them a penny because I lived near the seaside.
I can have different opinions with anybody. I can still be a friend with that person.
If something about the human body disgusts you, the fault lies with the manufacturer.
People think I'm an overnight success. No. It's just that you all found me overnight.
It's a positive thing to talk about terrible things and make people laugh about them.
To me, it's very exhilarating when somebody else does a great thing, and it's not me.
I've met a lot of people who've lost their jobs and they still have a sense of humor.
Faith in the face of disappointment is only enhanced by laughter in the face of pain.
Your insecurity and neediness is what makes you a big neurotic ball of comedy genius.
You hope to see an arc of growth in your ability to become a character on television.
A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year.
Internet fame is like regular fame only without all the annoying 'money' and 'power.'