Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I do try to work out a little. I go swimming twice a day. It beats buying golf balls.
Most of the people who came for dancing lessons had Rumba ambitions and minuet bodies
I don't get to the global issues or anything like that. I am just trying to be silly.
Everybody wants to laugh - you know that. They need to laugh... people need to laugh.
I am frail like everyone else, and I take that into account when I talk about things.
I always make fun of KISS because I don't particularly think their music is anything.
Me in drag is kind of scary, actually. It's frightening. I actually look pretty good.
Every medium has its own projection, and I find animation is much bigger than normal.
The whole thing about my books and my life is that I create drama's always around me.
I don't pretend to be a great interviewer; I don't even pretend to be good at my job.
I've been too funny in my life to have to play a character who's... moderately funny.
I've gone from being bullied by jocks as a kid to being bullied by nerds as an adult.
Real philosophy is like trying to read an alarm system installation manual in Korean.
Like, Australians definitely don't walk around dressed up in blackface going "Ha-ha."
I want my name to be a brand in comedy. I hope my name stands for comedic excellence.
Socrates said, the unexamined life is not worth living. My dad said, Booty - mmm mmm.
I have this kind of mild nice-guy exterior, but inside my heart is like a steel trap.
Although I love the taste of Nutrageous bars, I am nutraged at their new, high price.
If you encounter someone who pronounces the t in often, odds are they're a douchebag.
I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it's in the middle of another dog's speech.
My grandmother died of natural causes. Or as my family calls it murdered by the lord.
Even when I go to a salad bar, I need to feel like I'm one of the first people there.
I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more.
I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house.
I don't go out of my way to be outrageous, I just go out of my way to look at things.
I feel like soundtrack music is almost like seeing the movie again, but with my ears.
For me, Molly Hatchet is high school. It makes me feel like I have hair and a future.
I got real important relationships in my life that are very empowering relationships.
The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.
If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.
My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.
Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.
My mind says one thing, but my body says another. Thanks a lot, Indian food and beer.
You can say 'Thanks,' and you can say 'Thanks a Million' - but any number in between?
If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.
That field goal attempt was so far to the left it nearly decapitated Lyndon LaRouche.
Growing up, my family wasn't very tight. We were more like a tour group with secrets.
Being white is a job in America. You take that away, you better get the soldiers out.
You can't study comedy; it's within you. It's a personality. My humor is an attitude.
A lot has been said about politics; some of it complimentary, but most of it accurate
I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside "made around the corner."
I don't know how long i could be a vet before i got bored and started shagging stuff.
The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.
If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.
Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
At best, God can be viewed as nothing more than an uncaring incompetent father-figure
I like my jokes to be built on a foundation of ideas, or at least smart observations.
When he got loaded, the human cannonball knew there were not many men of his caliber.