Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Something that has been important to me is never to repeat myself, never to go back.
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
I had teeth that stuck out so far, I used to eat other kids' candy bars by accident.
I can't imagine getting bored with comedy or thinking comedy is beneath us suddenly.
Ed Miliband is obviously a mild guy. I don't expect him to pretend to be a pugilist.
I have a theory that evolutionary biologists are more vain than particle physicists.
I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.
Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?'
Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!
Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!
My breakfast is usually some oatmeal and berries and some agave, or a protein shake.
I love Nintendo, I'll never not love Nintendo. I want to play new Zeldas, basically.
Addiction is a serious desease; it will end with jail, mental institutions or death.
Today's 'Sesame Street' will NOT be brought to you by the number 34 or the letter D.
Sometimes I skip breakfast, pop to the butcher and get sunburned while cooking meat.
People were laughing at me anyway, so I thought I might as well start charging them.
I like talking about things that are taboo, because it makes them not taboo anymore.
15 Storeys High' is the hardest thing I've worked on. 12 hours a day, 7 days a week.
It's not dying you need to be afraid of, it's never having lived in the first place.
I burn a lot of stuff. My son, bless his heart, eats it anyway. But he makes a face!
A book is judged, not by its reference to life, but by its reference to other books.
The Gay News critic wrote that I 'carried the lilt of the Irish without the brogue'.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.
I work a lot of things out on stage nowadays rather than writing them in big blocks.
When somebody tells you they're not very smart, they're saying exactly the opposite.
I have a lot of awards in my house that I have absolutely no idea what they are for.
You know what they call alternative medicine that's been proved to work? - Medicine.
I don't see making films to entertain and making films to inform as separate things.
I want my ashes either with some really good primo or as some fertilizer for plants.
What made me a comedian was that I wasn't really a songwriter, I was more of a poet.
Here's one redeeming quality about Donald Trump. He's an equal opportunity offender.
In my youth, I wanted to be a great pantomimist -- but I found I had nothing to say.
I only drink to steady my nerves... sometimes I'm so steady I don't move for months.
It's what you do that counts and not what you say; therefore I fired my press agent.
I feel like I'm a time traveler from the future who has been sent back to be annoyed.
You can learn more about anything, and the truth about almost anything is surprising.
I consider myself to be doing comedy in a post-Jon Stewart world to a certain extent.
As a comedian, I am attracted to truths that are uncomfortable. I like funny bummers.
I think that people are more eager to learn about food than almost every other topic.
I love my dog. I hate bankers. I have issues with women. In my head, I’m a great guy.
The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet.
I thought "RV" stood for "Recreational Vehicle." No! It stands for "Ruins Vacations."
The whole dating ritual was different when I was a kid. Girls got pinned, not nailed.
To paraphrase the great Will Rogers, El Rusho never met a pharmacist he did not like.
I like to play in the low 70's. If it gets any hotter than that I'll stay in the bar!