Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
You might be a redneck if you watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips.
If your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan, you might be a redneck.
You might be a redneck if it's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.
Did you know that the original title for War and Peace was War, What Is It Good For?
I am originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana - mafia.
There's something about being a parent that has, I think, made me a better comedian.
I'm a comedian, which is the opposite of a lifestyle that equips you to be a parent.
I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it
I would much rather America was a more stable, wonderful place. You know, I love it.
Republican Party hasn't been black friendly over the many centuries in this country.
I'm really happy that I was raised Catholic because it's given me years of material.
Growing up, I loved comedy even before I knew that you could be a stand-up comedian.
The holidays are the worst time to travel, and ISIS aren't making things any easier.
I honestly believe that people sit behind their computers and just get really brave.
As soon as I touched the mic, I knew that's what I would do for the rest of my life.
The Republicans are the party of bad ideas. The Democrats are the party of no ideas.
I do have certain feelings. My feeling is that whoever is in charge, I want him out.
When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't.
I don't have sex drive... I have sex 'just sit in the car and hope someone gets in'.
It's kind of awkward to eat alone in a restaurant because everybody's looking at me.
The bile makes it better. I am an information wasting machine - 100s of words a day.
My purist comedy friends accuse me of being a Jack of all trades and master of none.
I can never tell when something is funny. I just have to do it onstage and find out.
I became a comedian because I didn't want to be bullied anymore. Onstage I was safe.
I feel bad about that, that I worship celebrities... but their moods create weather.
I just want to get through each day without the need to shut my eyes for 10 minutes.
Keep yourself busy if you want to avoid depression. For me, inactivity is the enemy.
The Buddhist version of poverty is a situation where you have nothing to contribute.
My parents have been married forty-two years. I wonder how many of those were happy.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.
I don't drink a lot. My family calls me an old soul. And my friends call me a pussy.
I feel like everyone wants to make a movie that they feel passionate about watching.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
P.S. - This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.
I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first to see if she would read that too.
I think anyone can write about anything that they have knowledge of and exposure to.
If your eyes hurt after you drink coffee, you have to take the spoon out of the cup.
There are absolutely no limits with podcasting because you can do anything you want.
I'd never walked on snow 'til I was 50, you know. There's no snow where I come from.
I can't change the past, but one person can change the future - anything can happen.
As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: You can be right or you can be happy.
Just because you live longer doesn't necessarily give you a greater edge in quality.
Every performance is an opportunity to have something new or to learn something new.
If carrots are good for my eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
My grandmother used to discipline me, I mean, beat my ass, and I deserved them, too.
I'd like to make you laugh for about ten minutes though I'm gonna be on for an hour.
The best advice I've ever received is, 'No one else knows what they're doing either.
I think the best advice I'd say to any actor when you do comedy is play it straight.