Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Every day is a gift. That said, I've gotten some pretty shitty gifts over the years.
I've never slept with a virgin, but I love breaking the seal on a new peanut butter.
Homo sapiens are the only mammals who intentionally hold Beard Of Bees competitions.
When you're not in love, when you don't have love, everybody you know falls in love.
I say God bless you... I don't say bless you... I'm not the Lord. I can't do that...
Every video from Russia is depressing, it's like they have their cameras set to sad.
If I was going to act irresponsibly, the least I could do was be responsible for it.
It's strange how sometimes you can be so happy it goes all the way round to sadness.
Cottonballs are an example of something I'd want to buy, but not have as a nickname.
History, like wallpaper, repeats itself and can also make a room look old-fashioned.
You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.
Whenever I try to spell 'banana,' I feel stupid because I don't know when to end it.
Halloween's my favorite holiday because you don't have to spend it with your family.
I haven't seen someone so overmatched since Mike Tyson tried to recite the alphabet.
Parenting is the easiest job to get - you just have to screw up once and it's yours.
Race baiters and discriminators may go underground, but they never move out of town.
Why should I retire? I'm like a fighter. The bell rings, and you come out and fight.
Shame is one of the greatest aphrodisiacs in the world, anyway, built into religion.
Go and lie down in the dark... for hours... and don't move. I'm locking the door now
I don't have lungs anymore! Just two spare bags that flew in under a bridge one day.
Guns don't kill people, people kill people, and monkeys do too (if they have a gun).
We must have been hunters and gatherers but some of us were just waiters and hopers.
There was no religion in my life growing up. Did God invent us or did we invent God?
It's not like I grew up playing pranks on people, and I was not that girl in school.
You are an alchemist who can turn six beers into an awkward three week relationship.
I went to high school in Lexington, Massachusetts, which in hindsight was very nice.
Why go to France when you can smell the same people in coffee shops here in America.
I was always working, so I would get reading done very late at night a lot of times.
When I went to school, sex education was mainly muttered warnings about the janitor.
I read tons of comic books. My favourite is Grant Morrison, a Scottish comic writer.
He always had a chip on his shoulder that he was ready to use to kindle an argument.
I'm too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don't know.
If you're looking for self-help, why would you read a book written by somebody else?
Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name.
Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.
In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! - I hope I'll be safe at home!
If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.
Hey you! I told you to slow that nag down! Because of you, I almost heard the opera!
Here lies Groucho Marx and Lies and Lies and Lies P.S. He never kissed an ugly girl.
I didn't really get into comedy until a couple months before I started doing comedy.
When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, "Give me a table near a waiter."
There's nothing wrong with the word conspiracy. It just means 'to breathe together.'
Did you see Walker's father? 'My son loves America.' Yeah, like O.J. loved his wife.
My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.
I went to a record store and asked for 50 cent. They kicked me out for pan-handling.
You might be a redneck if you missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
You might be a redneck if you have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.
You might be a redneck if Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
You might be a redneck if in an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.
If you think fast food is hittin a deer att 65 miles per hr.. you might be a redneck