Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.
I can direct things but I can't write. My memory is going, so I struggle for words.
Ever blow bubbles when you were a kid? Well, he's back in town and looking for you!
My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.
I think, you know, I'm German, and um, probably not very expressive in my emotions.
If I have caused just one person to wipe away a tear of laughter, that's my reward.
In Bollywood, I think Boman Irani and Vinay Pathak are unbelievably good at comedy.
I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.
This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.
How can you stop people from loving each other? How can you get upset about loving?
Taking action is hard, but know what? Enduring a bad situation can be its own hell.
I think my new iPhone 5S is broken. I pressed the home button and I'm still at work
I've always wanted to sail around the world in a handmade boat, and I built a boat.
In America, you assassinate president. In Soviet Russia, president assassinate you!
We don't claim to be infallible. I don't claim to be giving you truths from on high.
I've always had my voice as a comic. I was never that into politics, or prop comedy.
I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it.
I was born with a priceless gift, the ability to laugh at the misfortunes of others.
If you can't laugh at yourself, you may be missing the colossal joke of the century.
Roses are reddish Violets are bluish If it weren't for Christmas We'd all be Jewish.
Did you ever notice that everyone in favour of birth control has already been born ?
It's been Bill for so long people think my name is William, but it's not, it's Mark.
One barrier to being a great parent is the mistaken belief that we are raising kids.
I'd love to be a woman for one day of my life... God... I would be drunk with power.
Keith Richards outlived Jim Fixx, the runner and health-nut dude. The plot thickens.
If you have a gun, you can rob a bank, but if you have a bank, you can rob everyone.
It's very hard not to be condescending when you're explaining something to an idiot.
Conservatives claim [Hillary] Clinton campaign involved in satanic 'spirit cooking'.
The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things... after the weather.
If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I'd still say no.
Twitter is a lot like crystal meth, because it's really fun to do and Oprah's on it.
I don't want to monitor my audience too closely, as that can really drive you crazy.
I'd love to write a song that someone else sings that can actually sing really well.
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap.
I love performing. I love the people. I sound like Liza Minnelli right now, don't I?
Give yourself an impossible task and solve it - then you've got a really good story.
The problem with the world is there's too many stupid people and nobody to eat them.
Here, let's go to my dressing room, and I promise, I'll only put it in for a second.
I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.
You got married recently to a rapper. It doesn't take them long to impregnate women.
I hate to say it, but because of humanity's capitalistic nature, money is important.
The government doesn't want you to use YOUR drugs, they want you to use THEIR drugs.
You only know that you're smart because you're around dumb people from time to time!
Funny is only something that others know about you - you can't be funny by yourself.
Basically Britney Spears' video is like a three an a half minute version of Glitter.
The Pope doesn't believe in God; Did you ever see a conjurer who believed in Magic ?
Hygiene is important. That's one of my failings. So I'm always being called on that.