Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.
He had ambitions, at one time, to become a sex maniac, but he failed his practical.
The Droid I had actually seemed to have free will, which I thought was interesting.
Commit a little bit more to the world outside of your own life. Get people talking.
People being forced to get health care and the insurance companies making millions.
Life isn't something you possess. It's something you take part in, and you witness.
I have Twitter so I can tell people what I want them to buy and they give me money.
I've never really thought of myself as depressed so much as I am paralyzed by hope.
I have a comic character - my sister said that I'm the victim of every joke I tell.
If you get an idea, you might as well stick with it until somebody calls you on it.
If atheists are deaf to the word of God, then theists are blind to the ways of man.
I used to think I was a little unstable, and then I met every girl I've ever dated.
Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.
I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff.
I'm into carpooling, because sometimes my car gets hot and needs to refresh itself.
What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you're feeling sick but sociable.
I would like it if four people did a cartwheel all at once... so I can make a cart.
I think being honest on TV is pretty rare. So if I can be that, I would like to be.
But my problem was that I did an hour for Comedy Central and nobody seemed to care.
I've always had the ability to manipulate words and communicate ideas and thoughts.
Whenever I do theaters, I don't like 'em. I don't think they're right for stand-up.
Stand-up has the best writers, because it's the hardest writing by a million miles.
I fantasize and idealize myself as Bugs Bunny, but I know deep down I'm Daffy Duck.
I can't say that I ever abided nerd stereotypes: I was never alone or felt outcast.
Tennessee Williams knew about the South, but he would clean it up and lie about it.
Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.
The comedians I always loved and respected the most were always filthy degenerates.
I got kids now... It gives you an empathetic feeling into other cultures and stuff.
Crispus Attucks, who said, Don't shoot till you see the whites! Never got a dinner!
Abraham Lincoln, who said, A house divided... is a condominium. Never got a dinner!
I never met anybody who said when they were a kid, I wanna grow up and be a critic.
Now they're calling taking drugs an epidemic - that's cos white folks are doing it.
In Canada... we should be there for the nurses, cause they are always there for us.
If I just cut out the food, I'd have a six-pack. I'd look like Matthew McConaughey.
I've got re-addicted to normal people, which is the loveliest thing to write about.
Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.
A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.
I cant imagine getting bored with comedy or thinking comedy is beneath us suddenly.
I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.
I'm tellin' ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel.
They say love thy neighbor as thy self , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?
I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back.
I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.
When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.
Group sex, are you kidding, I had group sex - my wife screwed in front of the jury.
I think what children need is love, security, stability, consistency, and kindness.
I don't like to go to premieres or openings. I don't like to have to put on makeup.
I like the authentic punk dance you did there. It's like a child dizzy off lemonade
Shutting people down creatively often doesn't get the best performance out of them.
Luckily, I think, I never really wanted to be famous, I just wanted to make movies.