Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Halloween is the only day I can dress up like a hot Latina woman with a beer belly.
I envy people who could just have one drink and not go look for cocaine afterwards.
Does anyone find it ironic how a program aimed at old people is called 'Countdown'?
Very few blacks will take up golf until the requirement for plaid pants is dropped.
He dreamed he was eating shredded wheat and woke up to find the mattress half gone.
If the grass is greener in the other fellow's yard- let him worry about cutting it.
My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.
It's not the hair on your head that matters. It's the kind of hair you have inside.
A married couple that plays cards together is just a fight that hasn't started yet.
This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?
If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders.
I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.
People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.
I don't like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.
You know who would make an interesting murder-suicide? Madeline Albright and Yanni.
In any relationship, the woman has control, the clever ones don't let the men know.
I would never join a country club with standards so low as to allow me as a member.
He looked like something that had gotten loose from Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.
Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy!
I'm an Asian with a Southern accent. To a lot of people, that right there is funny.
Make lots of money. Enjoy the work. Operate within the law. Choose any two of three
Yes. I didn't think there were any witnesses, so I guess I'll have to kill you too.
Iraq is a manufactured conflict for the sake of geopolitical dominance in the area.
I've played with some very famous bandits in my time on the celebrity golf circuit.
I'm going to be going to a secluded spot where no one can find me - NBC prime time.
Show business pays you a lot of money, because eventually you’re gonna get screwed.
You might recognize me, I'm the fourth guy from the left on the evolutionary chart.
You might be a redneck if three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
You might be a redneck if the Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.
To me, the media in New York and LA have always missed the essence of this country.
If you think a quaterhorse is that ride in front of Kmart.. You might be a rednneck
You might be a redneck if directions to your house include turn off the paved road.
What I found out about myself was I am not someone who doesn't believe in marriage.
The comedy I like the best is comedy I can't do, stuff that doesn't touch my arena.
My daughter wanted a new pair of trainers. I told her You're eleven, make your own!
You can't be faulted for being selfish if you're going to get better because of it.
Getting attention is my business. My whole life's predicated on, 'Hey, look at me!'
If you go to a bad movie, it's two hours. If you're in a bad movie, it's two years.
I'd always have a sort of automatic urge to share what I'm doing with other people.
I've noticed that women are always punished for their sexuality in popular culture.
My faith kind of keeps me in touch with the idea that I'm not in control of things.
You just try to be true to your idea of what is funny and what is also interesting.
I don't think I'd have any friends if I didn't obscure at least 99% of my thoughts.
There's enough really good actors out of work without me trying to steal any of it.
I've got no pretence that I want to do 'Hamlet' or anything, I know my limitations.
Nobody mountain bikes anymore - or ever did - in comedy, so I have to go by myself.
Cancun - the locals were fantastic, but it was full of the worst kind of Americans.
I'm sure that half the buzz from smoking grass was the fact that it was so illegal.