Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Your parents put a curse on you - Someday your kids are going to act just like you.
Fatherhood is asking your son to make up a name rather than tell anybody who he is.
If you watch the 'Blue Collar Tour,' I was probably the least redneck of everybody.
I eat fish, chicken, vegetables and other healthier foods. I do love a great steak.
I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out.
The role of the comedian is to say 'Wait a minute' when a consensus starts to form.
Childbirth is no more a miracle then eating food and a turd coming out of your ass.
If a President must constantly remind the people that we're at war, then we're not.
Amy Poehler and I once ambushed people and made them sing Christmas carols with us.
I loved all awards shows growing up, but of course, the Oscars was the biggest one.
Comedy is very strange to me and I don't fully understand it's purpose or function.
I thought I had more of a European sense of humour than the average American comic.
I'm just a giddy teenager who would like to break into show business any way I can.
I've kind of stopped valuing laughter as the end-all measurement of what I'm doing.
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.
The place was so British, I wouldn't have been surprised if the mice wore monocles.
Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.
US President Gerald Ford's golf was so bad we thought he was a 'Hitman for the PGA!
I don't know, why am I called the opposite of what I am? It's very confusing to me.
I don't need anybody, I'm successful in life enough to buy myself a f'ing sandwich.
When somebody says that a comic steals jokes, it's the ultimate betrayal of comedy.
I cried when I turned 34 for no other reason than 34 sounded old to me at the time.
Television doesn't make stars. It's the written media, the press, that makes stars.
I've usually had two styles: the Fletch character and the Clark Griswold character.
A Scot is a man who keeps the Sabbath, and everything else he can lay his hands on.
First off, I am 35 years old, I am divorced, and I live in a van down by the river.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
Not a Harvard-type education, just a not-sticking-up-a-liquor-store-type education.
Unlike flying or astral projection, walking through walls is an earthbound pursuit.
I can't cook, but I have a nice book of menus... and I can plate and set the table.
My dog is half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!
Nobody can stop you but you. And shame on you if you're the one who stops yourself.
I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.
I was drinking tea the other day, and I thought: they used to fight wars over this.
I'm not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them.
A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.
I just know keeping track of what I'm doing and where I'm going is important to me.
I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old.
Sometimes it looks like I'm dancing, but it's just that I walked into a spider web.
I haven't seen anyone rely on the ground game this much since the battle of Verdun.
Concussion? How the hell can they tell? They're *football* players, for chrissakes!
Is global warming new? I don't know. When I was young I remember the sun being hot.
Any time your parent says they party with you, that is its own form of child abuse.
It's very sweet to have people say nice things about you, and I always accept that.
I was always the guy - out of insecurities, I was always making fun, even as a kid.
All the shy people are doomed! Natural selection favors the loud and the aggressive
I was lucky in the sense that I was never blessed with an overly reflective nature.
The Pope is guarded by the Swiss guard who stand proudly in pajamas and silly hats.
I'm drawn to things that aren't particularly popular at the time. I don't know why.