Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Never fear the truth. No bad can come of discussing a true subject. No bad at all.
My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.
All men look at Dr. Ruth and wonder how she has gained all that sexual experience.
I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.
Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before.
Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before.
We sleep in language if language does not come to wake us up with its strangeness.
My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.
I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.
My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark
It's nice to be the best, but not when being the best brings out the worst in you.
My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher.
One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is, he took me to my house.
One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!
If you've got any concern at all about animal welfare, you've got to not eat meat.
The real terrorist threats are George W. Bush and his band of brown-shirted thugs.
My husband and I don't have children. We can't have children because we hate them.
I like to think of myself as 'hot-larious' I'm cute, but I'm totally approachable.
When God gives you AIDS - and God does give you AIDS, by the way - make lemonAIDS.
You want to create an environment where we're fostering ideas, not rejecting them.
Thank you for your input; I can tell you are struggling towards being interesting.
Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.
I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.
I'm always in situations where you can't be funny, and yet I want to do it anyway.
I think comedy has to come from a real place. It has to come from an honest place.
There are children in Africa, starving to death, and you don't hear them whinging.
I've spent years on stage adjusting the timing of a line to infinitesimal degrees.
I wish I could say farewell and retire but there is nothing for me to retire from.
Whenever I do anything, I need to take 15 or 20 minutes, maybe longer, to regroup.
The elephant smoked too much.(explaining why the keys of his piano were so yellow)
There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant.
I guess destiny isn't the path chosen for us, but the path we chose for ourselves.
I was one of the richest rappers in 2008. But it was definitely a strange feeling.
I've always wanted to sail around the world in a handmade boat and I built a boat.
As a comic, you try something and if it works you go with it and grind it to death.
I've never been paid as a prognosticator. I don't get a lot of work as a mentalist.
The moon puts on an elegant show, different every time in shape, colour and nuance.
I'm glad I'm not bisexual. I couldn't stand being rejected by men as well as women.
The two worst enemies of comedy are lack of sleep and not having had a decent meal.
Your twenties is all about taking your childhood out on everyone that you run into.
What would you rather be? 52 and look 52, or 52 and look like a 28-year-old lizard?
It is a warning, Godspeed. It means you are no longer welcome here at these prices.
People will frighten you about a graduation....They use words you don't hear often.
You can teach an old dog new tricks. You just don't want to see the dog doing them.