Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Passion always finds a way. Follow your passion and everything else will work out.
There's no anger in my act towards anyone other than myself... and maybe airlines.
I really like rustic mediterranean cooking. And I like trying out curry takeaways.
I don't really have funny things to say about politics. I wish I did, but I don't.
I don't know who you're referring to exactly who said, 'What has Iraq done to us?'
I want to do things I enjoy, and show business comes fifth or sixth down the line.
If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.
For the first time in history, sex is more dangerous than the cigarette afterward.
You might be a redneck if your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold.
You might be a redneck if you're still scalping tickets after the concert is over.
You might be a redneck if your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A.
Whenever I meet someone who's talented, I always want to write something for them!
For years, I've mocked Norfolk and King's Lynn, and now I find out I'm from there!
Adrenaline is wonderful. It covers pain. It covers dementia. It covers everything.
I was the best man at the wedding... If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?
How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water.
I think I have a lot of voices in my head and I guess my inner critic is a female.
Back in Chicago, all we cared about was rock 'n' roll and staying out of the army.
If your name is Sepp, at the bare minimum you’ve strangled someone in a bar fight.
Do you know how hard it is to kill 30 million people? It's a logistical nightmare.
I think a pessimist is just an optimist who has had their heart repeatedly broken.
I tweeted that Tom Brady's politics are 'garbage,' which may have been hyperbolic.
A standup set ends on a buildup of tension and subsequent release for a big laugh.
I love my wife and daughters, but there are times you want to put them in the bin.
I feel bad for young people. The 20s are a nightmare also. The 20s are hard to do.
I have a swastika tattoo on my arm, but it's just because I like right-hand turns.
I don't take myself too seriously. I enjoy what I do. I enjoy making people laugh.
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked.
These people [the Christians] watched the Flintstones as if it were a documentary.
I've always loved boxing. It's something I've always been extremely excited about.
Last week I got a flu that I caught, 'cause my daughter coughed ... into my mouth.
Silence equals nonexistence. If I don't raise my voice, it's like I never existed.
I have a hard time with interviews, because I'd rather hear about the interviewer.
Success is fleeting. It may not have to do with you but how your work is received.
I just read about a schoolteacher who got hurt. She was grading papers on a curve!
Sir, I didn't deserve the grade you gave me on this test. Do you know a lower one?
If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.
I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.
When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.
I got two stools, in case I want to sit down and sit down again on something else.
Anytime you see me with my arms around an old man, I'm holding him for the police.
I don't feel the same pressure to be perfect up there that I did in the beginning.
Game shows are like golf and tennis are for some men. It's not like going to work.
Upstate New York in the middle of October. You can't get more beautiful than that.
We are all fingers on the same hand. We may not look alike, but we are all needed.
John Wilkes Booth, who said, Sorry, I thought he was a critic. Never got a dinner!
Zsa Zsa Gabor, the only woman ever to apply for group alimony. Never got a dinner!
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
If you focus on what you left behind, you'll never be able to see what lies ahead.
I went through every phone book in Africa, and I didn't find one god damned Pryor!