Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Most of the films I've done were ruined in the postproduction, not during filming.
Live a life of grace. You'll be a better person for it, and so will your children.
I guess I look so straight and normal, nobody expects me to pick my nose and fall.
A neighbour put his budgerigar in the mincing machine and invented shredded tweet.
If poor people knew how rich rich people are, there would be riots in the streets.
Men are handicapped when it comes to arguing, 'cause we have a need to make sense.
The yearbook voted me most likely to be scraped off an onramp by a puking fireman.
If I gave a damn what other people think of me, I would be more like other people.
What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number.
Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.
My primary interest has always been about exploring the human psyche and humanity.
Maybe everyone doesn't deserve a second chance. If I can be perfect why can't you?
The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?
If it's sent by ship then it's a cargo, if it's sent by road then it's a shipment.
No matter how old you are, if a little kid hands you a toy phone... you answer it.
I don't like to watch golf on television because I can't stand people who whisper.
I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie.
It's Thursday and it really feels like a Thursday. Sometimes things just work out.
Popcorn is one of the only situations in which you eat the result of an explosion.
It's hard to know what's gay in life. Boxing. That's two men fighting over a belt.
Wouldn't it be great if all of Osama bin Laden's money was tied up in Enron stock?
The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.
To me, seeing a really great comedian is a bit like watching a musician or a poet.
I've never been mean-spirited, in my opinion. I never did anything below the belt.
Live life to the fullest everyday, 'cause we never know what day will be our last.
Honey bees are amazing creatures. I mean, think about it, do earwigs make chutney?
When I watched Braveheart I was in tears and I was rooting for the Scottish people
The idea that we evolved with these thoughts is actually very fascinating - to me.
My wife, Tania, is very big on dogs, so I'm always paying out to animal charities.
I may not be the best dad but I taught my son how to get free samples at the mall.
You can't expect to hit the jackpot if you don't put a few nickels in the machine.
People expect me to do the classics, and it is a lot like playing a favorite song.
I asked a shop owner if he could help me out. He said: "What way did you come in?"
Did you know you can have an Irish abortion, but there is a 12 month waiting list?
I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.
A dog is not intelligent. Never trust an animal that's surprised by it's own farts
I gave my girlfriend something she didn't expect for Valentine's day... Chlamydia.
In the year 2525, that song will be even less popular than when it first came out.
Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.
Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
I like Florida. Everything is in the 80s. The temperatures, the ages and the IQ's.
If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?
There's some invisible guy, up in the sky, who can kill you, because he loves you.
That's the whole meaning of life, isn't it? Trying to find a place for your stuff.
I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don't trust any organization that has a handbook.
When I go to a party, nobody says hello. But when I leave, everybody says goodbye.
We need to get better at voting and be a voice for the people who do not have one.
You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, and that's not saying much for you
Gerald Ford was unknown throughout America. Now he's unknown throughout the world.
There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.