Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Madonnas got one big choice. Take a couple of years off and become a human being.
I'm trying to appeal to the disenfranchised everybody, not just specifically gay.
Women don't ask to be raped, but there are some that are asking to be motorboated
For me to act natural and real but also try to be funny while doing that is hard.
People recognise me and come up to me sometimes, but I'm not like George Clooney.
To Harry Secombe: I hope you die first as I don't want you singing at my funeral.
You can act in five, six, or seven films in the time it takes to direct one film.
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
I suppose we are what we are, and we use the evidence to confirm what we believe.
I think the fact that I am gay is about the 47th most interesting thing about me.
Whatever the critics make of 'Maestro,' I hope they don't call it a reality show.
Last Christmas someone stole my present. I've spent this year living in the past.
Short or long to Goblin City? The straight way's short But the long way's pretty.
I like stories, and I really like words. So I like stories that rely on dialogue.
I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."
Two cannibals eating a clown. One asks the other, 'Does this taste funny to you?'
I lived my life as a - as a part-white, part-black but then sometimes-Jewish kid.
I learned to play the piano on my mother's knee - that was before we got a piano.
I'm kind of emotionally dyslexic, and when I feel vulnerable or nervous, I laugh.
Well, guys are better at mechanical stuff and women are better at emotional stuff.
I like radio and live performing stuff. I don't like the television stuff as much.
Stop throwing us all together like some sort of Puerto Ricaminican Tex-Mex buffet.
People used to think I was just a shouty comic but I was doing stuff about Sartre.
I don't take myself or the species too seriously. You have to laugh at everything.
I fainted last night! Luckily I was going to bed at the time so I didn't get hurt.
The Middle East is gorgeous, but again, politically, I would not want to go there.
Acting and writing are the things I like doing. I don't like presenting that much.
It's the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life.
The only thing that you can get into without a lot of trouble is a lot of trouble.
But if that's what you want to be, that's what you will be - as long as you study.
Making changes isn't about stopping the problem, it's about starting the solution.
I think you can ban guns if you can just pull the trigger and 60 bullets fire out.
You ever notice that everyone who believes in creationism looks really un-evolved?
I'm not really a heavy smoker any more. I only get through two lighters a day now.
Because of the Republicans, I'm not ashamed of being an American. I'm embarrassed!
This party is just full of children, and someone needs to leave them in a hot car.
Anyone who is elected mayor of a place called "Sin City" is allowed to be a drunk.
I can't believe I'm saying this, but Obama looks like he DOES need a teleprompter.
If you're faking it, people will know, and it's going to turn a lot of people off.
Poetic talent is really easy to fake when thy sentences doth no f-king sense make.
If you're hanging out with two negative people, do they equal one positive person?
I used to like to dig myself a hole just to see how long it took to get out of it.
'New Girl' is funny. I love Zooey Deschanel. She's the most charming thing around.
My clothes are an extension of my personality. I'd look awful in ladylike dresses.
Every kid that goes to Catholic school believes he's going to be a priest one day.
If you wait too long in Vegas, you end up with a chicken finger in your underwear.
I’ll always be doing stand-up as long as people are still interested in seeing me.