Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Most people are dead. Hitler. Ray Charles. Some other guys. But mostly those two.
There's nowhere I won't go. As long as it's horribly, horribly true and/or wrong.
I've tried to do away with lying in my life in the last few years, but it's hard.
I live in Los Angeles, I know it exists. I know you're not supposed to taste air.
Silence is so often applauded and those who speak out are often called tasteless.
How about you hate your sin, and I'll hate my sin and we'll just love each other!
I knew that if I was going to write a book, I was going to have to read one, too.
Backup dancers are completely respectable. They're the studio musicians of dance.
One of my favorite comedies of all time is 'Terms of Endearment;' that's my pace.
Well, I think Hollywood, to be quite honest, I think they've run out of material.
On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.
I can't tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.
I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.
Money can't buy you happiness, but it helps you look for it in a lot more places.
The pollen count, now that's a difficult job. Especially if you've got hay fever.
If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.
A woman is a woman until the day she dies, but a man's man only as long as he can
There's so much Botox around now that you can't tell when a Jewish girl is angry!
I think it is - the biggest plus the performer can have is to be a little unique.
Though you may be last to discover your follies, be always first to correct them.
I hate fame. I hate being recognized, because I don't know how to talk to people.
It got very tedious saying the same jokes in the same way with the same attitude.
I like doing a funny show where I don't have to act and fall in love with a girl.
You white folks see UFOs in your dreams. You don't hear about Martians in Harlem.
I'm the only person I know of who's ever been pulled over for attempted speeding.
I'm into politics - I'm interested in the election and how pissed off people get.
It feels quite cool, in a mad way, to be someone who skulks about in the shadows.
A hotel mini bar allows you to see what a can of Pepsi will cost in twenty years.
I think about dying. I've come to realize we all die alone in one way or another.
So after Another You I ran off to my very own piece of paradise, my home in Hana.
I'm not a person that's easily embarrassed, but I'm embarrassed for other people.
Comedy is easy for me, but with drama, I don't know... it's still the Holy Grail.
Words on the page don't have the same impact as somebody saying the words to you.
Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.
I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.
When men break up they want to remain friends. Why? Why can't they just get lost?
If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.
I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.
My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much.
I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education.
I tell ya I got a stupid son. That's one load that shoulda been shot on the wall.
I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.
Christianity is just as threatening as radical Islam in a country like America...
I remember thinking, 'I don't know if I can do radio.' I never even listen to it.
On respect for the Queen: When I lick a stamp I always do it with my eyes closed.
Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space.
Amy Winehouse - her surname's beginning to sound like a description of her liver.
I'm really not into technology at all. My brother has to plug the Xbox in for me.