Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Israeli murderers are called "commandos," Arab commandos are called "terrorists."
Heart disease has changed my eating habits, but I still cook bacon for the smell.
When people say “clean as a whistle”, they forget that a whistle is full of spit.
I am not a complete vegetarian. I eat only animals that have died in their sleep.
If God is all powerful, can He make a stone so big that He Himself can't lift it?
What exactly is "midair"? Is there some other part of air besides the "mid" part?
I was never a pipe or bong man. That's California stuff. I was an Eastern roller.
I would show up at a party for Al Qaeda if you said there's going to be a dinner.
I can always be distracted by love, but eventually I get horny for my creativity.
That's what I take pride in in my stand-up, is changing things up. Being special.
I'd like to meet the person who invented sex and see what they're working on now.
I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
Since my daughter is only half-Jewish, could she go in the water up to her knees?
I smoke occasionally, but it's not a part of my routine. I mean, I don't need it.
I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can't wait to exchange.
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?
Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
I never know what defines you as being posh. I went to a posh school, definitely.
You know what they say when a supermodel gets pregnant? Now she's eating for one.
Really? Anyone intimidated by Barack Obama? He can't even keep Joe Biden in line.
Fox News has changed its slogan from 'Fair and Balanced' to 'See, I told you so!'
In America, we like everyone to know about the good work we're doing anonymously.
There is a video out now on how to please men. Here's tip number 1: Just show up!
Know what the Taliban leaders like to do for fun? Just sit around and get bombed.
You might be a redneck if you prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
Have you ever seen people so ugly that you have to get someone else to verify it?
You might be a redneck if you've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
You might be a redneck if every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard.
You might be a redneck if you're turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer.
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.
To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving.
There is nothing more rewarding than completing a goal you have set for yourself.
I still see storytelling for men by men that is always reinforcing the male gaze.
The hardest part of the day is all the stuff after I open my eyes in the morning.
Failing and laughing at your own shortcomings are the hallmarks of a sane parent.
Once you identify yourself as believing something, you open yourself to ridicule.
Boys, I have been rich and I have been poor, and believe me being rich is better.
It's a great time to be doing political satire when the world is on a knife edge.
I did sketch comedy, but I never did improv. So I've just tried to learn as I go.
I'm one of life's pessimists. I'm ready for everything to go wrong at any moment.
The trouble with Freud is that he never played the Glasgow Empire Saturday night.
When you're doing improv for seven years, you're an old soul of the improv world.
I eat the same way Doc Brown fuels the DeLorean at the end of Back to the Future.
If there was absolute freedom, people would run over babies and charge admission.
Interesting thing about being rich is once you pay your taxes, you're still rich.
sometimes i wonder does god just not care are is he to busy ignoring your prayers
I do like Guinness, I have to say, because you feel like you're eating something.