Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I love Jesus. I just don't like the Christians who don't believe in what he says.
I did start out as an actor. I went to Northwestern; I did musicals. I did plays.
I don't think I've had a job since I worked for my father's construction company.
Basically, I don't like to tweet stuff about my life. I only like to tweet jokes.
I was lucky I wasn't a better boxer, or that's what I'd be now - a punchy ex-pug.
My favorite Dylan song? I think it's 'Just Like a Woman.' It always makes me cry.
Why are people getting on elevators shocked to find people getting off elevators?
I would like to be someone like Steve Martin. That's the path I'd like to follow.
All religions are the same: religion is basically guilt, with different holidays.
The best way to divulge a secret is to tell someone not to say anything about it.
The last time a straight man worked in the fashion industry, we got a fanny pack.
Don't take 'no' for an answer. Keep knocking down walls until someone says 'yes.'
ONE OF MY girlfriends was getting married. This was becoming an annoying pattern.
Don't choose the better guy, choose the guy that's gonna make you the better girl
Anyone who is friends with Bill Clinton shouldn't be telling their wife about it.
I guess I look so straight and normal nobody expects me to pick my nose and fall.
We're not in an information age anymore. We're in the information management age.
The podcast movement was really a creative survival mechanism for standup comics.
It's hard for a man to turn down sex... if they chase us, we can't run that fast.
You can't be happy that fire cooks your food and be mad it burns your fingertips.
You can't think the thoughts you want to think if you think you're being watched.
I'm in show business... I want to hang out with Janet Jackson, not Jesse Jackson.
White man makes guns? No problem. Black rapper says "gun"? Congressional hearing.
No film critic's going to say it, but 'Madagascar 3' is better than 'The Artist.'
I think I speak for America when I say, nothing says NASCAR like Whoopi Goldberg.
It's a fine line between magic and science. In medieval times, science was magic.
There's something profoundly disturbing about watching an old guy eat a sandwich.
Sometimes, when you want to make a difference in a person's life, stay out of it.
We're all gonna lie, we're all gonna cry, and we're all gonna take painful shits.
Anger has a way of seeping into every other emotion and planting itself in there.
I grew up very self-loathing. I was a phobic. I had anxiety. I had panic attacks.
They say money doesn't buy happiness. That phrase should end with 'just kidding'.
And I come from a small Vietnamese family. We're really close too, all ten of us.
All white people talk about when they get high is other times that they got high.
When I go to a bar, I don't go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine.
It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby.
Our Times, a Brief History: As televisions became flatter, People became rounder.
I tell people, 'If you want to send a message to the White House, call my house.'
I just broke up with my girlfriend because I caught her lying. Under another man.
I'm a quitter. I come from a long line of quitters. It's amazing I'm here at all.
There's two positions in snowboarding. One is looking cool and the other is DEAD!
People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
I didn't apply to different schools. I wasn't really sure what I was going to do.
We live in a culture built on debt, so we are encouraged to have no self control.
Don't try to give a funny opinion; give your opinion in a way that will be funny.
He was so narrow minded that if he fell on a pin it would blind him in both eyes.
A comedian who starts talking to himself becomes his own audience. This is fatal.
It has been proven that more Americans watch television than any other appliance.
I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life.
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.