Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution.
What a childhood I had - I was ten years old when I found out Alpo was dog food.
To me, Viagra is the same as Disneyland. You wait an hour for a two-minute ride.
I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice. I don't know if I'm coming or going.
I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.
I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!
You'll never get dressed as quick as when you wake up next to a naked dead chick
People who say ... they're perfectly fine [are] more insane than the rest of us.
The British Museum is great for seeing how excellent we were at stealing things.
Tommy Tiernan is an Irish comic who I believe is one of the finest in the world.
I guess my main influences are Jesus, rock 'n' roll and ex-wives. In that order.
It's usually a spiritual thing that's preventing somebody from having happiness.
Smut, if it's really smut, there's nothing backing it up. It's the easy way out.
And we're just all made of molecules and we're hurtling through space right now.
I grew up in Vancouver, man. That's where more than half of my style comes from.
'Inside' was the second LP album of a comedian's performance before an audience.
Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!
Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.
I'll go on panel shows looking like I've been dragged through a hedge backwards.
Laughing at something is a form of accepting it or at list making peace with it.
I'd like something that peels potatoes really quickly - that would be wonderful.
A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.
I had written six scores by the time I was 20, and I'd never been paid a dollar.
Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!
I would prefer not to be in a car with someone who can't really drive that well!
In 'Delhi Belly,' I was bald; in other movies I always carried a different look.
I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.
Hollywood is the gold cap on a tooth that should have been pulled out years ago.
Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.
I'm proud to be a woman. I'm proud to be a black woman, and I'm proud to be gay.
I get my sense of humor from my parents. That's why they don't have one anymore.
I built a jail in my closet and I would incarcerate my family from time to time.
One of my favorite things about sketch comedy is doing parodies and music videos.
My senior year of high school, I got into UCLA, but my family couldn't afford it.
I'm not much for setup... punch line. I talk about my kids. I talk about my wife.
Life is like sex, baby - the more you put in, the more you get out. End of story.
If you expect a kick in the balls and you get a slap in the face, it's a victory.
Why would I make one woman so miserable when I can make so many women very happy?
I'm English and as such I crave disappointment. That's why I buy Kinder Surprise.
I was an only child but I never longed for a sibling. It just didn't occur to me.
You don't know what you're going to fall in love with until you're exposed to it.
Want to change your experience of life? Change the problem to the practice field.
I've never read a kayak manual, but I'm pretty sure page one says 'Use in water.'
Left to my own vices, all I would own is a Corvette, and it would be broken down.
I hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that just say, 'I'm stupid.'
Women priests. Great, great. Now there's priests of both sexes I don't listen to.
Nicotine patches are great. Stick one over each eye and you can't find your fags.
Good comedy helps people know they're not alone. Great comedy provides an answer.