Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
When you look at Hitler and those thugs, you can put Walmart right next to them.
I tell people, 'If you want to send a message to the White House, call my house.
I don't really tell a joke per se, I build up an attitude and it becomes a joke.
Show business is my life. When I was a kid I sold insurance, but nobody laughed.
Among my friends, I'm not a little Boy Scout, and they love my humor, thank God.
Paper acts as an eraser on the mind, as soon as you look at what you've written.
We will now sing forth, hymn 405, 'Oh God, what on earth is my hairdo all about?
They say the Universe started with a big bang. I hope everybody stood well back.
I am a professional transvestite, so I can run about in heels and not fall over.
My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.
You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport.
You know you are in love when you are willing to share your cash-machine number.
If I paid ten dollars for a cigar, first I'd make love to it, then I'd smoke it.
If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.
Why do they bother saying "raw sewage"? Do some people actually cook that stuff?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
The next time a prostitute solicits your business, ask for the clergyman's rate.
I'll bet there aren't too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes.
All messages from Satan are played forward and are in standard American English.
It's legal for men to be floorwalkers and illegal for women to be streetwalkers.
I hope we're not just human garbage drifting toward a big sewer. But I think so.
Sometimes when you win, you think you're going to get everything to go your way.
Shows should just be able to be shows without hyphenating their lead characters.
Every time something pops in my head, I think twice about it and I do it anyway.
I'm having Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, baked beans, Spam, Spam and Spam!
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
I think you've got something there, but I'll wait outside until you clean it up.
Remember, the grass is always greener where you don't happen to be the neighbor.
I can see you in the kitchen bending over a hot stove, and I can't see the stove
I write by ear. I tried writing with the typewriter, but I found it too unwieldy
I don't argue with people... if they say I'm not funny, they're right, for them.
Have I got a mother-in-law. She's so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock.
She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, "Tut, Tut!"
I've never laughed a woman into bed, but I've laughed one out of bed many times.
Dieting: A system of starving yourself to death so you can live a little longer.
Geraldo has returned to the states. See? I told you airline security was a joke.
Did you hear about the dog that was so high-strung, he developed a nervous tick?
People don't mind if you have a lot of money if they know you're working for it.
Inauguration Security was tighter than Kirstie Alley in a pair of spandex pants.
You might be a redneck if going to the bathroom involves shoes and a flashlight.
You might be a redneck if you work with a shirt off... and so does your husband.
You might be a redneck if you celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.
You might be a redneck if motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
You might be a redneck if your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
You might be a redneck if your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
You might be a redneck if your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.
If the gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot, you might be a redneck.
You take a normal guy, give him a wife, give them time, and you've got AN IDIOT!
I think Twitter is kind of boring, to be honest. To me, it's not even real life.
I'm my own worst critic. I could tell the critics a thing or two about my shows.