Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Contentment is knowing you're right. Happiness is knowing someone else is wrong.
Welcome to the O2. A unique building in Dublin, in that it is actually finished.
As far as my mindset changing, I see myself having more empathy in my older age.
I've said all along I've never competed with 'The Simpsons.' Not in my own mind.
I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.
I can't watch TV longer than five minutes without praying for nuclear holocaust.
My voice was not heard, the questions were not asked that I wanted to see asked.
My father said, Bring along your best girl. This is something you say to a pimp!
I think capital punishment works great. Every killer you kill never kills again.
Again, (America is) a stupid country with stupid people who don't pay attention.
There are people who think everything is a conspiracy and I think they're crazy.
I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there.
I'm on all the apps: Tinder, Grindr, Bumble, Scruff. I have no shame about that.
Society would be better off if Billy Eichner started getting more dramatic work.
I've always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there.
Audiences are my best friends. You never tire of talking with your best friends.
It's not hard to find Gerry Ford on a golf course - you just follow the wounded.
It takes a surprisingly large amount of intelligence to be a professional idiot.
I'm in awe of comics that do things that I can't do, or haven't tried doing yet.
I'm not going to talk too much politics because I'm not smart enough to do that.
We don't grow as human beings from good things happening. We grow from failures.
Making love to a woman is like buying real estate: location, location, location.
The only thing I said to my parents when I was a teenager was Hang up, I got it!
When you are an artist, you want your audience to think its effortless and easy.
You know you're in a bad movie when the Catholic clergy is being played by Jews.
I get much more respect, as befits my age. And I have nothing to complain about.
I hate when men think that money is gonna buy you happiness... I mean, it helps.
I went and worked for my dad after school. I'd show up late and stuff like that.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
It used to take years to become a junkie. But crack cut that down to 37 minutes.
You could be married and bored or single and lonely. Ain't no happiness nowhere.
Whenever you're pissed off, just remember that it's better than being pissed on.
Texas is a hell hole, man. Dirt, cactus, lizards, dirt, cactus, the Bush family.
My greatest production is my children. Then, to see my grandbabies is the gravy.
59% of all suicides are actually botched murder-suicides performed by dyslexics.
If God had wanted women to have giant, fake boobs he'd be a lot like my brother.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet.
I found someones passport on the ground tonight. Where do you sell these things?
My professional dreams were coming true while I was living a personal nightmare.
No touching... Cashmere is highly sensitive to the oil in poor people's fingers.
I'm not the comic of the generation, I'm not even the funniest guy in my family.
It seems like there's never enough famous white people among comic in Hollywood.
The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.
If you want to dry hump someone you don't know, just act like they were choking.
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.
I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer.
My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but... what a dork.
When a couch potato is sliced up and then deep fried that is couch french fries.
I wonder if, as a society, we will ever be able to call someone a jive tofurkey.
The punt returner got smacked like Nancy Kerrigan's knee on souvenir pipe night.