Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
The most interesting nerds are the ones who take offense to being called nerds.
You've got a goal in life. I've got a goal. Now all we need is a football team.
I don't want to join the kind of a club that accepts people like me as members.
There is no spark like the one ignited under the aspirations of a new graduate.
The Doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"
Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.
I don't want to hear any more women talk about how they want to be... mermaids.
It’s mentally exhausting, feeling bad about something you can do nothing about.
... being a feminist means that you believe in civil rights and social justice.
I have realised that my time has come and gone. I'm not bitter, just a realist.
Now, I have a Halloween mask I think you might get a kick out of. That's scary.
If I have one advantage, it's that I will try to work harder than the next guy.
I went to see that movie 'From Hell,' or as Osama bin Laden calls it - 'Roots.'
You might be a redneck if an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger changed your life.
You might be a redneck if your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
You might be a redneck if when you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.
You might be a redneck if your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.
I hate cellphones. They are not for good, they're for evil. They're for gossip.
I'm part Maori. My mum's Maori, and she raised me. And my grandma, she's Maori.
Having a child is a lifetime commitment, the biggest one you can possibly make.
I am very short-sighted, and if I don't like a situation I take my glasses off.
I might be needy, competitive and desperate but it's far better than being wet.
If I was performing, I had no pain. But you can't stay on stage 24 hours a day.
There's a tremendous power and energy in sharing your life with another person.
You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon.
The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.
It's so obvious The Weather Channel is pro hurricane. Fair and balanced my ass.
I try to only eat animals that are vegan. I'm probably the opposite of a vegan.
I'm still chasing girls. I don't remember what for, but I'm still chasing them.
Everybody should care about facts. That is something all of us should agree on.
I've always been proud of being a Marine. I won't hesitate to defend the Corps.
When people heckle me, I have the microphone. And the press has the microphone.
When I talk about celebrities, I don't dislike them - it's what they represent.
I've tried everywhere, but my garden shed is the most effective place to write.
Elected officials shouldn’t get to choose who gets to choose elected officials.
Stupidity really gets me going, when it's just plain stupid, obvious stupidity.
There's no real preparing at home for stand-up. You just go and you just do it.
As a comedian you are making yourself vulnerable in order to make others happy.
Corporations do a lot of things well, but not run nations, for obvious reasons.
One of the most important days of my life was when I learned to ride a bicycle.
In some sense, Comedy Central has made their audience into comedy connoisseurs.
You know the quickest way to get comedians to hate you? Do Letterman at age 24.
There are a lot of things money can't buy. Not one of them is on my son's list.
You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.
I can always remember that experience in Hawaii pleasantly on account of Elvis.
I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me.
When you like what you like, it makes it easy for your husband to shop for you!
I always had a sort of niggling regret that we didn't come do stuff in America.
Old is when people compliment your alligator shoes, and you're not wearing any.
In giving advice, aptitude is often less to be considered, than seasonableness.