Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Comedy teams are a real hard thing to do. That's why you don't see any of them.
Chicanos and running water are endlessly fascinating. I can watch them all day.
You don't give something away because it's fat. You take it and you look at it.
Some men are just disgusted with me and think I should have my mouth sewn shut.
Step by step, we will break this cycle of silence, poor information and stigma.
I don't know if my looks will ever get any better, but my pratfalls sure won't.
Frank Capra's grandson was a second Assistant Director on 'Christmas Vacation.'
Only married people understand you can be miserable and happy at the same time.
When you're white, the sky's the limit. When you're black, the limit's the sky.
Take the time to smell the roses. Sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee and die.
When anarchy is declared, the first thing we do, let's kill all the anarchists.
You look at the floor and see the floor. I look at the floor and see molecules.
Drum Competitions are called such because no one wants to win the big Beat Off.
Something tells me that Mitt Romney's sex face is the same as his regular face.
I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies.
The only time you have no opportunities is when you decide to stop taking them.
I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.
I care about the work I do. But I'm not going to say that money's not an issue.
Highland has changed my entire way of working with scripts. I use it every day.
I went to this very disorganized Jewish summer camp in Maine called Camp Modin.
Futon World - a wonderful place that becomes slowly less comfortable over time.
Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral.
There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.
Dennis Kucinich's politics are more scrambled than Rod Steiger's dream journal.
Education means to bring out wisdom. Indoctrination means to push in knowledge.
I wouldn't mind paying taxes... if I knew they were going to a friendly country
I wouldn't mind paying taxes - if I knew they were going to a friendly country.
Compared to what some of the young comics use for material today, I'm a priest.
Einstein used science to get laid. That guy is a genius. I've been using money.
[Ryan Reynolds] has had stabs at it like Just Friends. He's really fun in that.
You can't land on the moon and say, "Ooh, it's all sticky! It's covered in jam!
We have wild animals in zoos, yet people rarely meet their 'food' face to face.
I'm not careful with my money at all these days. I buy people a lot of dinners!
I am tired of angry feminists. I like my women happy, gregarious... and bathed.
I know I'm getting older because yesterday I called the police on my neighbors.
If I had my whole life to live over again, I don't think I'd have the strength.
I told CBS, 'My career is going down the toilet, and you're pulling the chain.'
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
I don't have a drinking problem. I drink. I get drunk. I fall down, no problem.
Joy is obtaining a big, loving, caring shut-knit household in yet another town.
I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate.
A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.
I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him.
I hate Dr Phil. Dr Phil told me to express my feelings, so I'm expressing them.
I'm in favor of personal growth as long as it doesn't include malignant tumors.
Why should it be illegal to sell something that's perfectly legal to give away?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
I personally think Miles Davis is a lot funnier than me. And he's working more.
Once a month, a woman turns from a beautiful flower into an angry hippopotamus.