Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Empathy is intuitive, but it is also something you can work on intellectually.
My whole mission is to have a long, interesting career, not a short spiky one.
I think true success is intrinsic... It's love. It's kindness. It's community.
Every time I get tested, I ask questions about it, and I watch how they do it.
My wife had a bad habit of biting her nails, but I cured her. I hid her teeth.
Bert Williams was the funniest man I ever saw and the saddest man I ever knew.
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar.
When life gives you lemons don't make lemonade, make pink lemonade. Be unique.
I think it's never too late to start anything, except maybe being a ballerina.
Men are superior to women. For one thing, men can urinate from a speeding car.
Men are superior to women, for one thing they can urinate from a speeding car.
I had never supported a political figure - and I went out and supported Obama.
You tend to get reluctant to talk about anything until the day before filming.
A Russian Reversal quote on Uncyclopedia's Soviet Union article? How original.
We have a choice - we can both think and feel, using our heads and our hearts.
When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.
If you are tuning in just for the show, you're going to be sorely disappointed.
I like Louis C.K., Chris Rock. Old schools like Richard Pryor and Eddie Murphy.
If sitcoms were easy to write, there'd be a lot of good ones, and there aren't.
I used to steal a lot. But I don't do that anymore, because I believe in karma.
I don't know what Tracy Morgan does on stage, but I can assure you it's no act.
Comedy Central made their own awards show. They were named best comedy channel.
I don't know what Tracy Morgan does onstage, but I can assure you, it's no act.
I can drink like a fish, or at least, someone born with fetal alcohol syndrome.
The audience is your first collaborator with the material. If that makes sense.
Tonight's show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn't - haven't made my mind up yet.
Only an adult with dying dreams can appreciate how awesome it is to have a dog.
A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
Today's parents grew up with the silly notion that music was meant to be heard.
Most of us learn to read by looking at each word in a sentence - one at a time.
How do you keep people from jerking your chain? Don't give your chain to jerks!
The only time a mistake becomes a failure is when we look for someone to blame.
You can't use anxiety to deal with your anxiety it only makes you more anxious.
I believe pain is nature's way of saying, 'You're still alive, and life sucks.'
I don't care if you're obscene, filthy, horrendous -- as long as you're honest.
In the beginning God created the heavans and the earth... see you at the final.
Let's face it; God has a big ego problem. Why do we always have to worship him?
Between Ron Paul and Rick Perry, I think the lesson is don't get sick in Texas.
I am so tired of rearranging my life around what the stupidest people might do.
I've had a lot of arguments with people, but it's never really gotten physical.
I led such a sheltered life I didn't go out with girls until I was almost four.
Happiness is watching the TV at your girlfriend's house during a power failure.
Be happy you guys. Be proud! You know what you are: you're God's frozen people.
Everybody knows what California smog is - that's fog with the vitamins removed.
Words matter. Especially if you're kicking someone's ass in words with friends.
Around comics, I've always been known for, oh, that's not dirty, this is dirty.
For strangers, what I get a lot is people calling me the opposite of what I am.
I write books that way - I put a first line down and say, "Where does this go?"
I grew up in the projects and I know how important it is for kids to have hope.
I was just the youngest in the family, and most in desperate need of attention.