Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I imagine there's a level of narcissism that goes into thinking you're enough.
I'm gonna have to develop myself. I'm just going to do the best that I can do.
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!
I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.
I cannot tell you what hotel I'm staying at, but there are two trees involved.
I feel like it's better to see a sermon lived than it is to hear one preached.
I always told my parents, 'Just give me till I'm 27 to do comedy, to make it'.
The Monkees? I heard that they were quite into their party scene at one point.
When I look back I can't believe I was so stupid as to direct Dealer's Choice.
It's like our country is being run by a bunch of bad alcoholic dads right now.
You got to remember that slavery's very complex. It has a lot of levels to it.
I mostly do faces and sounds. That's what I do. Comedy doesn't have to be art.
It's like a childish dream come true to be in 'Doctor Who' and to be an alien.
If my mum or my wife says that something isn't funny, I know I've struck gold.
Ray Charles, who said to Stevie Wonder, Maybe we're white. Never got a dinner!
Im pretty lazy when it comes to creativity. I just want it to be easy and fun.
Lisa Lampanelli lost 100 pounds, but that's because she was poached for ivory.
That's why whenever I have a really good idea, I'm always worried about theft.
When I was growing up, I didn't like cheese. I had to wean myself onto cheese.
I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I'm lying.
Most of the men sitting in first class on an airplane have really boring jobs.
Once you start looking at the world rationally, it becomes much more exciting.
My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.
I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.
Never tell your wife she's bad in bed. She'll go out and get a second opinion.
What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!
Are you fat because you're a lesbian, or are you a lesbian because you're fat?
I don't think America knows what a gay parent looks like. I am the gay parent.
As a producer, you've got to be involved in helping out with solving problems.
Democracy is a gleaming Excalibur - let's not use it just to mend the toaster.
I'm not a media darling. I'm forever the outsider, for whatever the reason is.
I guess my main influences are Jesus, rock n roll and ex-wives. In that order.
You reach a certain point in your 30s when you say things in a much safer way.
Don’t forget, God can see you masturbating. But don’t stop. He’s almost there.
I was raped by a doctor. Which is, you know, so bittersweet for a Jewish girl.
Everyone's got their own velocity, and there's no real time frame with comedy.
Inside was the second LP album of a comedian's performance before an audience.
Although no man is an island, you can make quite an effective raft out of six.
The service took place on one of those afternoons that occur only in the past.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.
I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
Googling yourself is like staring at a flame and then putting your hand in it.
Comedians are thinkers. The best ones are akin to philosophers, in my opinion.
I like to work a lot with wood. I make furniture that falls apart. I also sew.