Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.
Everyday happiness means you can't wait to come home, because the soup is hot.
Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.
I've never owned a telescope, but it's something I'm thinking of looking into.
If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter.
I don't consider myself a cynic. I think of myself as a skeptic and a realist.
We think in language. We think in words. Language is the landscape of thought.
In the 'bullshit department' a businessman can't hold a candle to a clergyman.
Whoever coined the term "Buyer Beware" was probably bleeding from the asshole.
Every day I break my own personal record for number of days I have been alive.
Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
Part of the pleasure of being alive is the knowledge that you're not dead yet.
If it weren't for electricity, we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
Japan is really advanced. They don't go to the beach. The beach comes to them.
You can only be independently creative for so long until your brain burns out.
The content of your character will come from how you respond to your failures.
You might heckle me now - but when I get home, I've got a chicken in the oven.
A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!"
My passion in life isn't politics. It truly is connecting to people and women.
I'm like Will Rogers, I never met a man I didn't like... well, Eichmann maybe.
Did you ever hear of a kid playing accountant - even if they wanted to be one?
To me, there is no greater act of courage than being the one who kisses first.
The impact of T.V. on our lives in general gets most things out of proportion.
You might be a redneck if your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.
You might be a redneck if Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.
You might be a redneck if your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.
What I hated was doing what somebody in LA thought Jeff Foxworthy ought to do.
You might be a redneck if your bumper sticker says, My other car is a combine.
I'm not anxious, I'm high-strung. I just decided that's the difference for me.
Me just being myself in public or on TV is the biggest nightmare in the world.
My older sister is bossy, my brother is a stirrer and me - well, I am perfect!
Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.
I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu.
If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.
Some of the routines come back very easily. We do it off the top of our heads.
I'd have to say Sunset Salsa. Nothing against Honey Lime, but it's for losers.
I think stand-up comedy is this - it's this kind of indulgence and narcissism.
I once had a therapist fall asleep on me. That really wrecks your self-esteem.
The first few weeks of joining Weight Watchers, you're just finding your feet.
Anybody who claims to be excited for April Fools' Day is probably a sociopath.
Sometimes the best way to make 'em laugh is to show 'em how you honestly feel.
The whole business of getting famous was good fun, but it was a long time ago.
Some women can't say the word lesbian... even when their mouth is full of one.
If you really want to wind up Piers Morgan, send him a pic of Jeremy Clarkson.
My family were nothing but pleased when I told them I wanted to be a comedian.
If I were the last person on earth, some moron would turn left in front of me.
It's more fun to experience things when you don't know what's going to happen.
I'm best known as a stand-up comedian, but I'm a good actor in the right role.
We should retain our anger in the face of injustice and not be shamed by that.
Americans don't know a lot about the Middle East - [they] don't know we laugh.