Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Nothing destroys a relationship quicker than our fears of inadequacy and loss.
I hate patriotism... I can't stand it. It's a round world last time I checked.
It's my object to be stared at like a dog that's just been shown a card trick.
I get a kick out of being an outsider constantly. It allows me to be creative.
I think Mitt Romney is a symptom. I think the problem is the Republican Party.
The only silver lining I can find is that British accents aren't sexy anymore.
I masturbate 'cause I'm the only one whose standards are low enough to f-k me.
I always like to go to Washington D.C. It gives me a chance to visit my money.
Personally, I never drink on Oscar nights, as it interferes with my suffering.
I need to see a woman president in my lifetime. Or the first Jewish president.
I find it very annoying when people want to sit next to each other at a booth.
Every time John Travolta assaults a masseur, a scientologist gets their wings.
If you're really looking to hurt somebody's feelings, just break up with them.
Seeing your parents fall apart is really rough. I wouldn't wish it on anybody.
I felt as out of place as a left-handed violinist in a crowded string section.
I have a nice apartment now that's all taken care of. I make my bed every day.
Any time you're lucky enough to get on a show people watch, it's a good thing.
I had a personal blog, but why does anyone care that I went shopping for hats?
Wealth is not about having a lot of money; it's about having a lot of options.
Why do people do yoga? To clear their minds? I embrace the clutter in my head.
I'm a nerd. I'm a little guy... the last guy you'd expect in a romantic movie.
Here's what I knew about doing a play: I knew it would make me a better actor.
When you make drama you are like Picasso. Drama is whatever you want it to be.
Sitcom is the best gig in show business because it's easy hours, nine to five.
If you don't believe in the living dead, how do your explain the Golf Channel?
The best part of living in constant terror is you always have a place to live.
The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.
In an effort to look cool, I am going to stop shouting Hey, you! at airplanes.
I love singing along to the radio while I'm riding in the back of a squad car.
The little boy inside of all us men always loves something video game related.
It's an incredible feeling falling in love someone who doesn't know you exist.
I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.
You can accept that things are awful and still have a sense of humor about it.
There's only two types of men left in this world. Lumberjacks and Liam Nesson.
I am bravery. I am courage. I am valor. I am daring. I am holding a thesaurus.
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole.
Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, 'I apologize.' Except at a funeral.
I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I'm fooled by a mannequin in a store.
Dogs seem more photogenic than cats. In photos most cats look like sociopaths.
Never forget where you came from. That's what I think when I walk into a cave.
It is interesting that the black BMW is the preferred car of so many assholes.
Xenophobia doesn't benefit anybody unless you're playing high-stakes Scrabble.
Warner had more hands in his face than an OB-GYN delivering Vishnu's triplets!
Once I realised the value of making people laugh, I got very good at it. Fast.
My wife is great. She always goes to the bank to see if the check has cleared.
Lots of comics try stuff out all year round, which is very sensible - I don't.
I'd much rather see Richard Pryor or Jackie Mason in a theater than in a club.
I don't think that comedians have a tradition of trashing the next generation.
The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.
I was brought up to respect my elders, so now I don't have to respect anybody.