Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I do weird things, and people watch.
Please don't stand up on my account.
Pebble Beach is Alcatraz with grass.
The lifeblood of YouTube is sharing.
I do what I can do when I can do it.
Welcome to the 77th and last Oscars.
I know a lot about Jewish comedians.
Being on the road is kind of lonely.
I don't do drugs, though. Just weed.
America, I appreciate you liking me.
I never set out to do a sketch show.
I didn't get married until I was 38.
He's so small, he's a waste of skin.
Off-camera, I sound like Perry Como.
Politics makes estranged bedfellows.
Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
Room service? Send up a larger room.
Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
Go, and never darken my towels again
I hate London when it's not raining.
A pitcher is worth a thousand worts.
This man dresses like an unmade bed.
She has a wash and wear bridal gown.
I shave without using shaving cream.
I never care if the audience groans.
The nerds are running the world now.
By any rational metric, I am boring.
There are never enough I Love You's.
I don't have a brother in real life.
We must remember to enjoy ourselves.
The world is full of dumb paperwork.
I like comedy, I mean, in all forms.
No subject is unsuitable for comedy.
I was destined to make people laugh.
My Vegas act is how I make my money.
I didn't think I'd ever be an actor.
I can speak Esperanto like a native.
Do you have any toy train schedules?
I've never been good at improvising.
My shows are basically about ethics.
I've always been into improvisation.
Once you're a felon you're a target.
A lot of prophets have gone to jail.
Africa's not a color - it's a place.
Never work with animals or children.
The world is full of horrible things.
Old is always fifteen years from now.
Europe has such an expansive history.
Death is nature's way of killing you.
The Drug War is an addiction, really.