Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
For most of my relationships, I would have liaisons, and I would feel guilty.
I don't think somebody can just, like, wave a magic wand and make you a star.
I don't set out to offend or shock, but I also don't do anything to avoid it.
I can't wait till Sunday, I'm gonna see my favorite niece and my other niece.
I'm not the marrying type, but I always want to be with someone who is a fan.
I'm actually a miserable, authoritarian guy at home... no really, I'm strict.
As soon as I realized you could be funny as a job, that was the job I wanted.
I've seen a lot of movies get made where no one has control. No one likes it.
A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in business.
Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.
No amount of smiling at a flight of stairs has ever made it turn into a ramp.
I get an urge, like a pregnant elephant, to go away and give birth to a book.
I've always been aware of my sexuality, but I never quite knew what it meant.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.
Comics can definitely be subversive on the whole, but it's a stylistic thing.
My dad's death reminds me of earthquakes - things that shake your foundation.
People enjoy sitting back knowing they won't hear a lot of four-letter words.
My career is pretty much over. I'm out in the Valley eating soft-boiled eggs.
Costumes are fun. Dress up like a pilot some night and watch as people stare!
Well, I love Bob Dylan, let's make that clear. He's one of my musical heroes.
Throughout history, every mystery ever solved has turned out to be NOT magic.
I am part of a divine essence. I don't have to become anything. I already am.
I converted a family-owned strip club into an improvisational acting theater.
I think the most important thing that marijuana does is it affects the brain.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
A friend of mine drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck
I've been drunk only once in my life. But that lasted for twenty-three years.
I don't have pet peeves like some people. I have whole kennels of irritation.
I look good. I mean, really good. Hey everyone! Come and see how good I look!
Comedians are always hitting the topical notes that are on everybody's minds.
I don't normally vote. I'm lazy and I never bought into the every vote counts.
I could definitely see myself making a serious movie or a drama in the future.
My big fear is that I'll put down so many people, I'll have to leave show biz.
Acting in a sitcom or a comedy movie is like a comedy routine with the setups.
I wasn't always black... there was this freckle, and it got bigger and bigger.
Ours is a youth culture, and like a golf tournament, we honor only low scores.
Meadowlark and I share a common vision of bringing joy and laughter to others.
We limit our success when we mistake the limits of our perception for reality.