Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Every era in history has needed, and will need, reproductive health services.
Maybe God is an asshole...of course not, he's not an asshole, he's imaginary.
You need to build an ability to just be yourself, and not be doing something.
All talking is good, negative and positive. Stabbing is bad; talking is good.
Art is supposed to punch you in the brain, and it's supposed to stay punched.
No one wants life to end. It was bad enough when my last tour came to an end.
In the early '90s, there was such a limited idea of what you could see on TV.
I think it is time for all babies to let us know who they want for president.
We're quite lucky that we've got political freedoms. We should be using them.
Who doesn't want to go to the Emmys? But it ends up just being really boring.
I grew up in Shrewsbury, Massachusetts and went to college in Washington D.C.
People are making better and better small budge independent films these days.
Louis C.K. directs his show, which is very much like a series of short films.
My grandfather invented the cold air balloon... But it never really took off.
I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.
This would have been a great game to watch if we didn't have any money on it.
I never had any interest in sitcoms or motion pictures or anything like that.
Anytime you have a family member getting out of prison, there's always drama.
I think I'd make a pretty good president, and they have a great pension plan.
My first car was a 2011 Mini Cooper, because I only learned to drive in 2010.
If I ever completely lost my nervousness I would be frightened half to death.
I'd rather do community service than sit and write a load of Christmas cards.
If a tree falls on your head in a forest and no one hears it, it still hurts.
They're not the sharpest people - babies. So, you must be everything to them.
There are two types of people in life - those who get it and those who don't.
As soon as I heard the term 'comedy nerd,' I'd hoped there was a lot of them.
I went and saw Letterman when I was 15, and that had a profound impact on me.
I never settled because I wasn't meant to pack toilet rolls or stack shelves.
My entire act is through and through British. I reference everything British.
I've got a lot of charisma, plus women are forgiving and they can be charmed.
Live each day as if it were the last day of your life because, so far, it is.
Success is like toilet paper, it only seems important when you don't have it.
I had to stop drinkin, cuz I got tired of waking up in my car driving ninety.
Most people that you talk to, they's intelligent. Like I said, "Most people."
What I am for is justice for everyone, just like it says in the Constitution.
Saying atheism is a belief system is like saying not going skiing is a hobby.
Insanity is a very high art form. If everyone was insane, I wouldn't be here!
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
The closest I ever came to a menage-a-trois was when I dated a schizophrenic.
In high school, I definitely fancied myself an intense guy, which is so lame.
My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.
I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.
I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.
I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.
My cousin's gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
Mass adulation from the multitudes does not penetrate your soul or your core.
You can make bleak things funny but if you're glib about it, it doesn't work.
You know what the problem is with world hunger? We've been sending them food.
I didn't belong when I was in high school. Now people are trying to buy lips.