Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Everyone at a party is uncomfortable. Knowing that makes me more comfortable.
This is all so exciting I've decided to keep making one movie every 36 years.
Even in a fake democracy, people ought to get what they want once in a while.
None of the Christian religions do [interest me]. They're all outer-directed.
Marry an orphan: you'll never have to spend boring holidays with the in-laws.
But some people want attention so bad they want you to see them angry at you.
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
My experience is that people are most likely to listen to reason when in bed.
Given the choice between a woman and a cigar, I will always choose the cigar.
I'll teach you to kick me...' You don't need to teach me--I already know how!
I never use a napkin on my lap at a restaurant...because I believe in myself.
I think the world of you...and you know what condition the world is in today.
My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.
A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.
I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.
I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.
A tough guy told me, "I'll bet you $10 you're dead." I was afraid to bet him.
They call it 'surfing' the net. It's not surfing. It's typing in your bedroom
In many ways, not fitting in has been a comedic asset and a comedic resource.
Even the Republican Party doesn't have the legs to challenge Hillary Clinton.
You can tell a lot about a person by how excited they are to do the Macarena.
I don't have a good work ethic. I have a real casual relationship with hours.
Rick Santorum is so conservative; he thinks KY Jelly is jam made in Kentucky.
That's the great thing about a tractor. You can't really hear the phone ring.
You might be a redneck if you dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
You might be a redneck if the tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
You might be a redneck if you had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
You might be a redneck if... your high school basketball game got rained out.
Parents have got to chill out. Let your kid eat dirt - they're gonna be fine!
The women doing comedy do not even think of themselves as 'female' comedians.
I like to watch all those shows that shouldn't be on the air - reality shows.
I started as a writer. I had the dumb act, but I made my living from writing.
I'm in the unfortunate position of having to consider other people's feelings
Having a 2 year old is like having a blender that you don't have the top for.
Cookies at both of them. The cookies are probably better at Letterman though.
Comedians rarely have writers, and if you do it's usually a sign of laziness.
I'm much more interested in making people laugh than getting applause breaks.
I don't know if I'm the husky guy, but I'm the sexy guy who's a good kisser .
It doesn't matter whether you are rich or poor - as long as you've got money.
Southern people are bigger-hearted and kinder than I had any right to expect.
You have to do stand-up quite a long time before you learn how to do it well.
I love paying tax so much, the sight of a gritter lorry gives me an erection.
I'm still very much a Northerner. I try to have chips and gravy twice a week.
Big romantic gestures are only as strong as the relationships they happen in.
I didn't think of myself as a tart, but I wouldn't argue with anyone who did.
Television is like a great monster, eating your gags as fast as you say them.
Mother Teresa had a mustache. Hitler had a mustache. Mother Teresa is Hitler.
Socialism appeals to me. It's like imposed Christianity. You've got to share.
Turns out we've been eating the wrong things...since the dawn of civilisation