Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.
I always wanted to be a comedian but never thought I'd be a musical comedian.
I don't know what people have against government; they haven't done anything.
I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.
Beautiful clear day in Beverly Hills. The sweet smell of Botox is in the air.
I love my hunting dog. I loved my hunting dog - I'm not very good at hunting.
I can't imagine how unbelievable it would be to go to the Great Barrier Reef.
People do give me a hard time about my hair because it's orange and it's big.
Well, sometimes you need the fields to lie fallow in order to gain nutrients.
When I don't know what to do, I just open my mouth. Why won't anyone date me?
I've always had a problem with authority. That's why I had to be my own boss.
It's about timing and rhythm. But who could be better than Chaplin or Keaton?
The point is, how do you know the Guarantee Fairy isn't a crazy glue sniffer.
I don't know what the future holds. All I know is, I'm good today. Real good.
There's a lot of laughing on a horror movie set. They're magical in that way.
In Australia, I'm built up as this comedy hero, which was never my intention.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
I'm never proper or careful, but I never curse in front of my mother, either.
A comedy club is a place where you work out material, you're trying material.
Bill Cosby was the first comedian I was exposed to, because he doesn't curse.
Why should I learn English? I'm never going to England. Shah, pffff, ur, doy.
Certainly the format of ghostbusting lends itself to a videogame beautifully.
I had 'Star Wars' figures and G.I. Joes and Transformers and all the posters.
The best part of chronic head lice is it takes away your fear of dying alone.
Why do they call it the restroom? Is there anybody just resting in this room?
I'm shooting a pilot based on my show. It's a one-camera show. I play myself.
I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it.
Oh, southern rappers... so hard to write a rhyme when you only know 30 words.
When I first saw a strap on, I put it on my head and ran around like a rhino.
I don't mind a crowd's not laughing; it's the groans that slow down the show.
Listen, here it is: Technically, I never quit. I'm seven years late for work.
I would recommend that anyone who wants to do comedy on TV to do radio first.
A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.
It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy: Location, location, location.
A car alarm is a way for a car to tell everyone that its owner is an asshole.
I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.
Al Gore couldn't be more phony if he were a professional Al Gore impersonator
If I had wanted to ice the little toad, I would have done it a long time ago.
Some people call me a legend and the last of the greats, and I appreciate it.
I don't walk into a dinner party and say, 'You're an idiot; give me my coat.'
It's tough having the last name 'Rickles.' Luckily, my kids handled it great.
I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I just stand up when I'm not expecting it.
If there were a god, don't you think he would have flicked Hitler's head off?
I did bronze survival swimming. I could save people in a bronzey kind of way.
Well, comedy is a great weapon of attack. It's not a great weapon of support.
Designers don't put out the same sweater every year. They just keep creating.
I was raised that you don't use something nice until there's someplace to go.
Think of me as an impetuous Hegel, drunk with power, and also, regular drunk.
My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me.
I am pretty tenacious as a perfectionist in terms of getting something right.