Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
I'm catholic in the same way, that if a cow was born in a tree, it's a bird!
When you're in love it's the most glorious two and a half days of your life.
America and Canada are the best friends. We've always been the best friends.
I don't do one-liners, because you don't learn anything about that comedian.
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.
My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
I'm not better than you; I'm just different than you in a way that's better.
I don't see why someone should lose their life just so you can have a snack.
The number of old ladies who've beaten me up on TV is absolutely ridiculous.
The strange thing about people considering me upbeat is that I'm really not.
I definitely want to be with somebody who doesn't feel lost or in my shadow.
How far can we go? How much can we absorb and still have some peace of mind?
I am lazy, but for some reason, I am so paranoid that I end up working hard.
I met Evan Goldberg at bar-mitzvah class. It was called tallis and tefillin.
To me, what separates a funny movie from a good movie is something personal.
I've always had a quirky way of looking at things. It's my coping mechanism.
I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.
Wine can be a better teacher than ink, and banter is often better than books
I think we have all experienced passion that is not in any sense reasonable.
Sex without smiling is as sickly and as base as vodka and tonic without ice.
Somehow, as a writer, you tend to use words to paper over structural cracks.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost.
My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
If you fix your sense of self to your job, then you're heading for disaster.
Ever helped a Magician before? No? Well, you're not helping one now, either!
In the world of 'Tim and Eric,' everything is big and ridiculous and absurd.
I don't like courting controversy because I don't like people not liking me.
Gambling has brought our family together. We had to move to a smaller house.
And erm, perhaps looking like this it was perhaps the only thing I could do.
D'you know, I put so much petrol in me car the other day, I couldn't get in!
I normally don't do requests. Unless, of course, I have been asked to do so.
If God had meant men to have children, he would have given them a PVC apron.
Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.
I'm really an artist of feeling. I like creating things when it feels right.
Americans think Soviets are so grim. I want them to see that they can smile.
I didn't have any success in show business until I was 30 to 31 years of age.
Everyone I used to work with is still alive and can afford expensive lawyers.
I like the south of Spain, notably for the Moorish influence and the weather.
I prefer to sleep with deaf girls. Those crazy chicks never have a safe word.
Parents are not interested in justice, they're interested in peace and quiet.
The main goal of the future is to stop violence. The world is addicted to it.
Change isn't about what you are stopping... it's about what you are starting.
I think the news people no longer have any idea of what covering the news is.
Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on.
Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace.