Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
You cannot be mad at somebody who makes you laugh... it's as simple as that.
You might be a redneck if your birth announcement included the word rug rat.
You might be a redneck if you watch cartoons long after your kids get bored.
The stuff that made me mad 20 years ago doesn't really make me mad any more.
The image of my face I hold in my mind is always about 10 years out of date.
You can ask me anything you want. That doesn't mean I'm going to answer you.
A really hard laugh is like sex-one of the ultimate diversions of existence.
It's hard enough to be a lady writer. Doubly hard to be a funny lady writer.
Comedy Central does a really good job of finding totally different comedies.
I don't believe in predestined fate. The future is what we choose to create.
If camping is so great, why are the bugs always trying to get in your house?
What exactly are the ingredients of Ranch dressing? Mayo and disappointment?
I was raised in a family where my father was the first one to go to college.
I would say I'm - in the show, I'm a cultural Catholic, which is what I was.
The idea of having a large family, I definitely had a romantic notion of it.
The one curse in America is that we deny who we really are and what we like.
I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.
You never want to be the grumpy guy, although I do have quite a grumpy face.
I had what can only be described as the worst voice in the history of music.
Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.
'The Big Lebowski' gave me my first false sense of intellectual superiority.
I didn't think of myself as a tart, but I wouldn't argue with anyone who did
I'm currently in an interesting correspondence with a nun about forgiveness.
I can remember weird things from way back, but not what I had for breakfast.
The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them.
I have N'Sync and Aerosmith and Britney Spears. I have a trifecta from hell.
I was broke until I was 40. Really broke. I could get by, but I had nothing.
There's no way you ask Sean Penn a question and then, you're gonna be HUGE !
When I was a young kid I loved Don Rickles, Buddy Hackett and Jackie Vernon.
My dad is actually a manic depressive, which is very exciting half the time.
To the people who've got iPhones: you just bought one, you didn't invent it!
I'm not a body shamer. The word fat has been used to hurt me my entire life.
That notion that we're in the post-racism, post-sexism world is so not true.
All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express.
Money can't buy you happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places.
Like every comedian, if I heard a joke that I thought would work, I used it.
God has a plan for all of us, but He expects us to do our share of the work.
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait".
Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree.
I'm not into sports. I mean...I like Gatorade, but that's as far as it goes.
I went to computer class with my Dell and I was bullied by a guy with a Mac.
'Jersey Shore' is one of the best shows of all time. They had so many hooks.
People doing rhymes that are nonsense - nothing can make me laugh like that.
I was so scared the first time I flew the flight attendant called me Whitey.
We often suffer more from our fears, than from the dangers of our situation.
I like 'Denzel Washington is the Greatest Actor of All Time Period' podcast.
They don't see that whole pattern. Worm/death. Worm/death. I would catch on.
This is the big one! You hear that, Elizabeth? I'm coming to join ya, honey!
A girl's legs are her best friends...but even the best of friends must part.