Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
No problem is so big and difficult that it can't be blamed on somebody else.
We are brought into this world cold, weak, and helpless. Then it gets worse.
Don't trust anyone who has been in school for the past 24 consecutive years.
But my kids, my brothers' kids - they think about trying to top what we did.
My father is a Jehovah's Witness, and he raised us under a very strict hand.
You do not need a therapist if you own a motorcycle, any kind of motorcycle!
My dogs love me. Of course, by love I mean poop and by me I mean everywhere.
Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.
My fam is just a regular family. But all of them have great senses of humor.
Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.
Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent.
I've been a comedian since I was fourteen. But I've never really been a CEO.
When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry.
I would like to have windshield wipers that do the whole windshield, please.
It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator.
A large portion of the Earth's land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.
If Bill Gates is worth $30 billion then a good haircut must cost $31 billion
When you first start out with something new, you're always a little uptight.
My brother is gay and my parents don't care, as long as he marries a doctor.
Never follow anyone else's path, unless you're in the woods and you're lost.
Just go up to somebody on the street and say 'You're it!' and then run away.
We became Morris and Morecambe. This partnership did not last long, however.
Barack Obama has raised tons of money. That is what he means by being green.
I've got three women in my life: my mama, ex baby mama and my new baby mama.
Now, the magic of British parks at night, as Bill Oddie presents.. Gaywatch.
I was drinking so much coffee and Red Bull just to keep going it screwed me.
Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.
My agent gets 10 percent of everything I get, except the blinding headaches.
My hometown was so dull that one time the tide went out and never came back.
English coffee tastes like water that has been squeezed out of a wet sleeve.
Men who betray women also betray other men. Women shouldn't feel so special.
The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is.
These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people.
In the Navy, there is no wrong hole. In the Marines, there is always a hole.
You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
I never eat sushi. I have trouble eating things that are merely unconscious.
Test of Metal: Will of Iron, Nerves of Steel, Heart of Gold, Balls of Brass.
They say men have a sexual thought every 20 seconds. The other 19 are shame.
If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men -- the other 999 follow women.
Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.
I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.
Thirteen at a table is unlucky only, when the hostess has only twelve chops.
I was so long writing my review that I never got around to reading the book.
In the fall of 1943 we brought home our second son, whom we named Alexander.
The film industry is like Anne Robinsonalways on the look-out for a new face
As you can tell from watching the show, I'm not a strong joke writer per se.