Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
'Bleak House' remains a great novel for me, and I love 'David Copperfield.'
To dream of the person you would like to be is to waste the person you are.
I spend so much time hating (my body) but it never says a bad word about me
Language and accents govern so much of how people think about other people.
I do not have a single white note on my piano; my elephant smoked too much.
When an opera star sings her head off? she usually improves her appearance.
When an opera star sings her head off, she usually improves her appearance.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
I don't know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything.
It's hard to get fired from the government. You have to, like, kill people.
In addition to comedy, I'm a writer. I write checks. They're not very good.
I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.
When the needs of one person are being met by the other, there is laughter.
It seems easier to make a career out of comedy now than it was in the 1980s.
If it smells like fish its a dish. If it smells like cologne leave it alone.
'The Graduate' should have won best picture over 'In the Heat of the Night.'
I've given myself permission to say whatever's on my mind when I'm on stage.
I'm very arrogant and mean. I'm almost like a bad guy professional wrestler.
I know body hair bothers some women, but a lot of men like a fluffy partner.
I'm not going to lie. I am a psycho. Luckily, I get most of it out on stage.
Don't let your victories go to your head, or your failures go to your heart.
Violence won't solve a thing. It makes it more challenging to solve, though.
People say "God will find a way." God can't find a way if you're in the way.
Brown versus the Board of Education is no longer the white person's problem.
Never define yourself in terms of how you are negatively affected by others.
Welcome to my garage. This is where I go to get away from the Honey-Do list.
The definition of black irony is Pro-lifers killing Doctors who do abortions
Faith means making a virtue out of not thinking. It's nothing to brag about.
So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?
I've actually enjoyed my time in L.A. more than a New Yorker is supposed to.
Poverty. Racism. Isn't it strange, only the homeless are begging for change?
You got to take a deep breath and give up. The system is rigged against you.
I went to play golf and tried to shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead.
I've got to watch myself these days. It's too exciting watching anyone else.
The only time to believe any kind of rating is when it shows you at the top.
President Eisenhower has given up golf for painting. It takes fewer strokes.
My wife is a saint. She's Gandhi. She walks around in diapers and won't eat.
The truth is supposed to hurt. That's how it lets you know you don't got it.
A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.
It's a terrible thing to admit, but I'm not sure I know what Women's Lib is.
I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.
There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.
The love that comes from friendship is the underlying facet of a happy life.
I signed on as the clown, and, by golly, I'll keep up my end of the bargain.
Stand-up for me is usually a weekend thing. I go out of town and just do it.
Trying to make strangers laugh is crazy and more than a little narcissistic.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense
If your work is so smart that only smart people get it, it's not that smart.
Babies don't know who's rich and who's poor. You love 'em and they're happy.
Emotional affairs, those are the only real affairs; those are the real ones.