Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I've got a prostate the size of a honeydew and a head full of bad memories.
Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.
Meredith Baxter Birney gets beaten by a rod, in the Lifetime Original, Rod.
You really are a badass, edgy guy who tells it like it is...about couscous.
There are two kinds of hecklers: the destructive and constructive hecklers.
I really like stews: everything in a bowl boiled down right to its essence.
I'm currently in an interesting correspondence with a nun about forgiveness
I think it's better, if people aren't getting on, that they should divorce.
I get so sick and tired of Wikipedia. People write their own crap on there.
I feel that I'm a stand-up comedian more than anything else, that's my job.
I really don't like reality television and the nonsense that comes with it.
Wow, you survived a blackout. You're made of stronger stuff than ice cream.
You know the only thing happier than a three-legged dog? A four-legged dog.
Performing comedy, you develop a rhythm of ideas and laughs. I live for it.
Stereotypically speaking feminists can't take a joke. ::audience boo:: See?
It's easy to maintain your integrity when no one is offering to buy it out.
If you say you're not a feminist, you're almost denying your own existence.
I am always writing no matter what I am doing and no matter what it is for.
I never really thought of myself as depressed so much as paralyzed by hope.
Maybe that’s what love meant, both people thinking they were the lucky one.
There's a danger our fiscal bankruptcy might overtake our moral bankruptcy.
I always say to Blake Griffin that he has a better comedy career than I do.
My mum and dad are massive Bowie fans, so I grew up listening to his music.
It's one of the reasons I don't do drugs. One sniff and I'd go all the way.
I dispute that 'Closer' is about betrayal. Betrayal is one of the elements.
A closet full of wire hangers can be the most dangerous place in the world.
The whole romantic part of my life was a wipeout. I didn't even own a belt.
I like to travel, and I would love to be fluent in at least four languages.
I don't really know what my personality is anyway. I don't really have one.
My act is always a work in progress. I pray I have a bad day before a show.
It's been a struggle for me because I had a chance to be white and refused.
There's a lot more hypocrisy than before. Racism has gone back underground.
Yes, I'm religious. God has shown me things, made certain ways clear to me.
Look, just tell me where that lemon came from and I'll shut up and go away.
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
Stand-up is my favorite thing I've ever done. There's so much independence.
When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.
My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.
AIDS is a horrible disease, and the people who catch it deserve compassion.
Mommy is one of the chosen people … and daddy believes that Jesus is magic!
You don't often see fight scenes with people who have no idea how to fight.
Many are willing to suffer for their art. Few are willing to learn to draw.
If a man dies when you hang him, keep hanging him until he gets used to it.
I've been an atheist ever since I heard there was only a stairway to heaven
People with disabilities are simply part of diverse communities in the U.S.
An original idea. That can't be too hard. The library must be full of them.
I'm fat because I'm greedy, and if my mind is fat it's because I'm curious.
I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the Zebra did it.
If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.