Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I find that a shirt is most similar to a napkin when I don't have a napkin.
Separate but equal is terrible for education but it's perfect for eyebrows.
They say it's lonely at the top. It must be even lonelier at the tippy top.
Pat Buchanan is so homo-phobic, he blames global warming on the AIDS quilt.
That punt was higher than Marion Berry on a fact-finding tour of Cartagena.
You lose your energy, you lose that excitement and it gets the audience up.
It's tough having the last name Rickles. Luckily, my kids handled it great.
Do you get a nice monthly check from the government for dwelling on things?
Filming a pirate film is always good fun, with ships and indecent clothing.
Things really began to move for us. In 1953 I could afford to marry Doreen.
It is bad to suppress laughter. It goes back down and spreads to your hips.
An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.
Dr. Phil is hiding something. Otherwise, why wouldn't he use his last name?
There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who cannot.
I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
Property is theft. Nobody "owns" anything. When you die, it all stays here.
The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.
You show me a tropical fruit and I'll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.
I make fun of people who are religious, because they're fundamentally weak.
And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National
The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.
If people stand in a circle long enough, they'll eventually begin to dance.
Once the high priests and the traders took over, we were lost as a species.
I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.
You live eighty years, and at best you get about six minutes of pure magic.
Having cancer gave me membership in an elite club I'd rather not belong to.
Adopted kids are such a pain - you have to teach them how to look like you.
You know, Python should have won a Grammy for our musical work on the show.
An audience's or individual's reaction to my work is simply their reaction.
It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
Will you marry me? Do you have any money? Answer the second question first.
Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.
My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.
I'm not going to pay good money to join a club that lets in people like me.
Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.
I'm not a cook. I like to watch the Food Network, but I don't like to cook.
I've always been sensible with my money. I can't say I'm a business genius.
If you give everybody a slice of pie, you will still have more than enough.
Being a comedian, people tell me stuff they shouldn't tell their therapist.
You might be a redneck if you consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
You might be a redneck if...your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
You might be a redneck if you use a radiator hose to fix your kitchen sink.
I don't have that addictive, "What's going on?" feeling anymore, thank god.
Well, I'm lucky because, you see, I'll probably bounce back from this role.
I think the idea of losing your hair is still very potent, emotional thing.
Capitalism is a great idea in theory, but in practice it just doesn't work.
Fatherhood makes you cute. Women find bumbling fathers cute and attractive.
Your blessing in life is when you find the torture you're comfortable with.