Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.
When something actually shocks me, that's when you know it's a great topic.
If you're playing the clubs, you're either on your way up or your way down.
A true friend never asks of you what they know you would never ask of them.
Dave Rath is recovering. A month ago he had hip pocket replacement surgery.
The real change that paintings undergo is in the perceptions of the viewer.
When you're a young comedian the first thing you want to do is get a laugh.
I wonder where a guy, an everyday Joe like myself can find a little action.
If you can mix glamor and gags, then you can catch the audience twice over.
What I do is not regional comedy, and it is not based in the southern area.
I am a misanthropic humanist... Do I like people? They're great, IN THEORY.
To me, Texas is Austin, a bunch of cool people trying to make a difference.
We'll see who believes in me now. I am the Prankster God - I am killing me!
Jim Bakker spells his name with two k's because three would be too obvious.
When opportunity knocks all some people can do is complain about the noise.
Obama is not a secret Kenyon, or a secret Muslim, he's a secret Republican.
Life is not like a box of chocolates unless there's a few turds in the box.
I just don't think a lot of Republicans like it when single women have sex.
The country can't get well if the people are sick. And the people are sick.
Community is gathering around a fire and listening to someone tell a story.
BP today finally managed to almost completely stop the flow of information.
The other guys are selling certainty. Not me. I'm on the corner with doubt.
I can't believe in Christianity, but I think Jesus was a wonderful teacher.
Killing a guy and stealing his wife and child isn't too nice a thing to do.
No one was asking me to be on TV. So I made my own late-night TV talk show.
The Concorde is great. It gives you three extra hours to find your luggage.
Kissing is like drinking tea with a tea strainer, you can never get enough.
Just went to the gym and worked on every body part. Four people slapped me.
I don't hate cats...as long as they stay on the freeway, where they belong.
I feel I've always got to keep my stand-up because I never want to lose it.
It's our nature: Human beings like success but they hate successful people.
When you see the veins popping out of my neck, that's an exclamation point.
[Gordon Ramsay] knows about being bullied, because look at the size of him.
I'm Jewish and Italian, and I lucked out and got the nose of both cultures.
Sometimes when I'm nervous, that's when the most interesting things happen.
A flute without holes, is not a flute. A donut without a hole, is a Danish.
Basically, I only play one character; I just play him at different volumes.
I get asked to do stupid things like panel shows and talk shows and things.
People are always nice; I never get anything mean said to me on the street.
The two best things you can do for a person is have sex or make them laugh.
I love seeing black people do normal things, being judged as normal people.
See, the Black man gotta fly to get to something the white man can walk to.
If you're a racist, right now, in 2011... You just look like a retard, man.
You know what Bill Cosby did wrong? He started criticizing young black men.
Politics has got too personal, too nasty, in Britain, as it has in America.
I feel bad sometimes because I secretly hope New Orleans gets nailed again.
The only reason Woodstock was necessary is because they didn't have iTunes.
I think every group of black guys should have at least one white guy in it.
You can't get un-famous. You can get infamous, but you can't get un-famous.
The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.