Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I bought myself a parrot, but it did not say "I'm hungry", and so it died.
If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.
Those who the gods would make rich and famous on TV, they first drive mad.
Up until recently, I've said, 'I don't notice the sexism in the industry.'
Some people have a fear of being on stage. I have a fear of coming off it.
If you hit a midget on the head with a stick, he turns into 40 gold coins.
I'm always trying out new stuff onstage. That's where I do all my writing.
A new broom can sweep the floor, but an old broom knows where the dirt is.
I don't want affirmative action - too much affirmative, not enough action.
There are really only so many foods and so many ways you can prepare them.
Sometimes I wish I could clone myself, you know, be in two places at once.
Queen Elizabeth, who said, Not now, I'm on the throne. Never got a dinner!
As funny as watching a man in a wig trying to hold down a job on a helipad
A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, hoping no one will notice.
I don't see myself getting married again, but if I do, it will be forever.
Wearing cosmetics that were tested on animals makes you ugly on the inside
I don't see myself as part of an acting fraternity or a comedy fraternity.
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.
My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.
I know I'm not sexy. In high school I was voted Most Likely to Masturbate.
When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies.
Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.
I think Bush is amateurish and self-serving, and frankly, it's disgusting.
I'm studying Kabbalah, which is really the essence of Jewish spirituality.
As a kid, I loved being loved, and still do. Who doesn't love being loved?
I definitely appreciate the value of money, hard work and having a career.
I'd never been the class clown and comedy was not a fulfilment of a dream.
To write anything decent, it's hard. Anything you want to be good is hard.
My initial impression of the Welsh was that they were grumpier than I was!
My mom drives me crazy sometimes, but I have a good relationship with her.
I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it.
The people I know who swear the most tend to have the widest vocabularies.
I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time.
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse ... but enough about Kanye West
I don't do the mirror thing; maybe once or twice when I first started out.
Do Not Disturb signs should be written in the language of the hotel maids.
The idea that everyone's opinion is valuable is sometimes up for question.
I was paid $8 or $9 million for 'Evan Almighty.' I didn't want that money.
We live in the Internet age. Everyone wants clicks. Clicks are what sells.
Religion is man's attempt to bind himself back to a relationship with God.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.