Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.
My dog watches me on TV. So, if I may take this opportunity, "No! No! No!"
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that 1 enjoys it?
Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.
More people have been killed in the name of God than for any other reason.
There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
Grass probably helped me as much as it hurt me. Especially as a performer.
She was only a prostitute, but she had the nicest face I ever came across.
College is a place to keep warm between high school and an early marriage.
When my woman kisses me I start dancing like James Brown. Ow! I Feel Good!
They say no one knows if we all see red the same way. Except traffic cops.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
I haven't really tried to write a movie. It's tough to get into that mode.
I don't seek out love or relationships, just because my schedule is crazy.
I'm not getting married until gay people can get married. Because I'm gay.
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"
How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'
I've decided to get into shape, and the shape I've selected is a triangle.
I hate people who think it's clever to take drugs... like custom officers.
When I'm on stage, I'm quite over the top - I'm quite flamboyant and camp.
I'm very conscious of other people's opinions and of people not liking me.
Drinking removes warts and pimples. Not from me. But from those I look at.
I can't predict the future and I don't have respect for people who try to.
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something.
If you restore a car, and you're making money, then you're doing it wrong.
Last night I went out for Chinese. I picked up a Team USA Olympic uniform.
You might be a redneck if your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
You may be a redneck if... your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
You might be a redneck if you were shooting pool when your kids were born.
I don't want to be remembered. I want the nice words when I can hear them.
I almost get annoyed at the fact that I'm not going to use all that I got.
If people would only look to the cookie, all our problems would be solved.
After you eat a Hot Pocket, Everything will taste like rubber for a month!
My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."
Follow what your head is telling you and work hard. That's the big secret.
When I talk about celebrities, it's not a dismantling of that human being.
The representation of women in hip-hop has long been so flagrantly unkind.
White people, you did not get a receipt for niggas, you can not return us!
Guns don't kill people, husbands who come home early from work kill people
It's much harder to have a BBC One sitcom than to have a tour of stand-up.
North Korea is the country that the monkeys in the Wizard of Oz came from.
I hammer on a theme until I'm tired of it and the audience is tired of it.
I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not.
I'd like to put across the notion that bad taste is actually good for you.
You can always tell who went to catholic school, because they're atheists.
The key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.
Awkwardness and feeling alienated are always going to be a part of comedy.
I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50.