Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
A pelican that is wet walks with a gated limp, but a dry fish swims alone.
Jay Leno told me once, 'Don't do jokes about things you don't know about.'
Thanks [Donald] Trump for exposing evangelicals as 'shameless hypocrites'.
As you go down the path of life, ask whats true. Not who else believes it.
I think what's dangerous is the idea that someone can wash away your sins.
Nobody sees people as people. It's all how they relate to my little group.
Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.
The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever being one.
If 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger,' how do you explain zombies?
I was always the funny guy. Everyone wants to hang out with the funny guy.
Mmmm! Lunch and no cleanup! Can life get better? I submit that it can NOT!
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
When I found out I could write I was shocked! I didn't know I could write.
Ten comics can say the same joke, and I'm the one who gets called a thief.
I always feel slightly sorry to be the voice of whatever I'm experiencing.
Everyone has the gift of laughter inside of them. All the world is a prop.
I was the class clown at school, but at home, my family wasn't very funny.
I'm not friends with any of my exes, and I've never understood the appeal.
I have a huge impact with young girls. Young women. That's my demographic.
I try to make fun of everyone as often as possible, especially minorities.
Im Jewish and Italian, and I lucked out and got the nose of both cultures.
I first met my wife in the tunnel of love. She was digging it at the time.
If a kid calls his grandma "Mommy" and his mama "Pam", he's going to jail!
I'd like to be in a Spike Jonze movie. But I live in a Nancy Meyers movie.
Does anyone ever shudder with the crap that you pulled off and didn't die?
Having sex with a dead grammar teacher is a violation of past tense usage.
I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.
I did stand-up comedy for seventeen years. I need to explore other things.
Even people who don't believe in science still have to believe in gravity.
People only mention it's a free country if they're doing something shitty.
Relationships, like eyebrows, are better when there is space between them.
Overheard today in restaurant: Can you stop listening to our conversation?
Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro.
Villains fear me because I am unpredictable and broccoli. See what I mean?
If I had to pick one artist to tile my bathroom I would go with MC Escher.
I always try to just be honest ... As opposed to artifice or manipulation.
Struggling is hard because you never know what's at the end of the tunnel.
When I started off in DC, you didn't get viral first. You got funny first.
I used to make love to Green Day's music. But 9 minutes? I'm not Superman.
Everyone wants to look good in photographs, even us trolls who tell jokes.
I'm actually about as famous as a fourth division footballer from the 70s.
The truth is that I'm constitutionally incapable of doing an ordinary job.
Men look at breasts the way women look at babies. 'Aw, isn't that lovely?'
My breakup with AT&T is final, and I'm done with Skype as the rebound guy.
Pattycake, pattycake, baker's man; good morning, madam, I'm a psychiatrist
Television – a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done.
I don't emphasize the whatevs. I say it as if it's truly a toss-away word.
Jews don't care about ancient rivalries. We worry about humidity in Miami.
He writes so well he makes me feel like putting my quill back in my goose.